yoga day

makes my life so much sweeter.

i am beginning to see my flexibility increase, but more importantly balance.

balance has been on my monthly goal list for as long as i've been making monthly goals (which comes to about 3 months)

the ability to separate each piece of my life, view it objectively and designate the time and space deserved. it's not easy.

it's completely against my nature. my mind is so often a roller coaster full of spaghetti mess.

but it is starting to feel good.
it feels good to know i'm making progress.
to begin to see space & organization & objectivity.

also - it gives me an excuse to wear my yoga pants. which are famous. and the most comfortable piece of clothing in the world, probably.

i'll fill you in on the famous pants soon.

ba ba ba ba ba

singing my own little song today.
skipping through all the little things i do.


we're off into another week. the husband has a brutal work schedule & i need to be very good about staying busy. religiously busy.

things to look forward to:

1. a little girl time this evening.
2. spending time in the kitch making something divine, i'm sure.
3. getting all my homework done (is it ok to look forward to this? i'm not sure, but it does feel nice to check things off the to do list)
4. flowers. green. spring. finally!

love without need.

what does it look like?


i've been pondering, puzzled by how to attain
this love without needing
too much
too many
moments.

for time is that which i need
too much.

too many
my needs
for this love.

i want to quiet my heart
to sit still in this love
and be grateful
and silent.

I spent my day in a wheelchair.

I arrived early to interview one of my professors for a class on exceptionalities. He had set out for me my own wheelchair and a pair of gloves. Before I was able to ask any questions, he asked me to wheel into the Office of Disabilities and say hello, and then grab a book from the top shelf on the second floor of the library.
By the time I returned from these nearly impossible tasks, I knew most of my questions were absolutely useless.
I don’t know that he actually answered any of the questions I did ask. He asked questions of me instead. What can you do to help a student in a wheelchair? What can you say?
At the end of the rather unconventional interview, I let the words slip out of my mouth, “Do you think it would be ok if I used the wheelchair for the rest of the day?”
He said ok & my life changed.

I went to my work study, taught at the elementary school, ate lunch and went to class in a wheelchair.

It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.

Physically, it’s exhausting having to rely completely on my arms to get me around, open doors, hold my stuff. I was too short to look over counters, to get a drink of water, to reach the soap in the bathroom. I had to cheat and use my legs to keep from falling over backwards trying to get up the ramps. I scraped my knuckles on doorways which were too tight. And then, as if this were not enough, emotionally and socially, it’s draining. People were constantly staring, asking questions, looking down on me (literally) or just ignoring me. I felt uncomfortable all day.

I couldn’t wait to get out, to return the chair, and get back to “normal”.

I think I started off the day feeling noble, like I was being compassionate and understanding, like I could know what it is like to be in a wheelchair after this experience.
I ended the day feeling like a big jerk. Because at the end of the day, I returned the chair, I stood up and walked outside. And I don’t have any idea what it is like to live in a wheelchair every single day. I don’t have any idea.
At the end of the day, I'm not sure that I learned a neat & tidy lesson like I'd hoped.
I'm not sure I know what to take anything away from this experience other than realizing I don't know what it's like to be in a wheelchair all the time. It's stupid to pretend like I do. And I don't know how to make it better for those that are.