positively giddy.

i cannot stop smiling.
every second.
and everyday...
somehow...
it just keeps getting better.

i had been trying,
forcing, compromising.
for so long.
i just didn't realize...

how things could be.

but now it's here.
and it's hit me.
struck me.
an arrow shot straight,
and true.

this is how it's supposed to be.

painting: "slow dance" by Rabi Kahn

the best thing, baby.

nevermind the fact i have to lead a class discussion on deconstruction in less than 2 hours. and i have yet to read the material.

ray lamontagne is rocking my world.

listen. love it.

the best thing, baby.

spring break.

parker, south dakota.
still looks similar to this photograph.

sleeping in, cinnamon rolls, fresh coffee.
strawberries, good books, naps.
brisk runs, conversation, tomato soup.

I've been in Parker for the past few days. Enjoying the final portion of Spring Break. While the majority of my friends are in exotic locales, I'm here in the Midwest, soaking up the 34 degree weather. But, I've decided I do not need a resort nor an ocean to feel completely content. Staying with my aunt, letting time slowly pass, cozied up on the couch in pajamas until noon, I can't complain.

Agenda for today:
read.
leftover tomato soup and homemade bread for lunch.
nap.
sioux falls? maybe.
journal.
read.
supper - more home-cooked goodness.
"australia".
sleep.


"life's a little bigger in a small town"

revision.

i would like to revoke my previous statement of:
"until it comes about and it's always sort of anticlimactic."
concerning hope in yesterday's post.

i lied.
the awaited event is not ALWAYS anticlimactic.
sometimes.
rarely.
beautifully.
it will take you by surprise and wonderfully exceed all expectations.

anticipation.

i've been waiting...
and it's nearly killing me.
but only in a spectacular sort of way.
i love the waiting.
as agonizing and treacherous as it is.

before something actually comes about...
and you're only looking forward to it...
dreaming of how wonderful it will be...
absolutely nothing can taint the hope.

until it comes about and it's always sort of anticlimactic.
but the waiting...
the sweet agonizing hope of things to come...
is just divine.

new shoes.

At the risk of sounding incredibly conceited... this is a post devoted to my new shoes. Now, I haven't bought new shoes in honestly, an entire year. A year. As a member of the female species, that's just sick. But I have a date Wednesday night, and decided to splurge a little of my tax refund and get some new shoes. I found them at Payless for only $10 and got so much more than I bargained for.
After I got home, I proceeded to dance around the place in my plaid pajama shorts and heels, just for fun, you know, break them in. I checked myself out in the mirror and "woah, momma, look at those calves!" I've been running quite a bit over the past year and with my lack of shoe shopping... I guess I forgot to look at my legs. I have never felt comfortable with my body image, but those little heels brought an instant boost in my self-esteem, helping me see something to love about myself. Thank you, shoes. A little splurge, and a lot of hard work to get calves that bulge in the right spots...and a surprising boost in self-esteem.

surprise.

No, I'm not pregnant. I feel like that is what people normally say after, "surprise". Either that or happy birthday. Neither of which apply.

But, I was reading "The Mermaid Chair", by Sue Monk Kidd, last night. The prologue tells the story of a restless 42 year old woman, realizing she has never astonished herself, never experienced the euphoria of a surprise of the strength or her own character. I have grasped a tiny measure of the despair of not knowing what I am capable of, of what I should have done, what I should strive to do.

This week, the bottom completely fell out of my "plan". I had been so confident that I was where I was supposed to be, doing what I was supposed to be doing. I was in my groove. Strong, independent, driven. In an attempt to get organized and ensure everything was going to work according to plan, I realized nothing will. No part of what I had been striving to accomplish will be completed as I had hoped.

I need to step back. I need to reevaluate, reconsider everything about what I had dreamed to be true for my life. Is my original plan worth the extraordinary input of time and money, or do I need to completely change my plan, my dream, my desires?

I realize this post is void of any concrete detail. It's intentional. Perhaps I'm not the only one reconsidering, reevaluating. Perhaps a lack of detail will translate easier into the details of a different life.

I have not lost hope. I know that I know that all things will work together for a purpose that is good and perfect. A plan that is beyond what I had imagined for myself. But, oh how easy it is to despair in the dark confusion of a decision, overwhelmed by my limited perspective.

For today, still lost in my own thoughts, my own indecision, I must concentrate on what I know:
"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." - 2 Corinthians 12: 9-10

the things i love as of late.

i have been nearly overcome by my new found/recycled adoration for just a few trinkets lately. they are as follows:

a strong cup of black coffee first thing in the morning.
movies set in new york city (when harry met sally, you've got mail, etc).
cheerios.
blue sky.
honey & cinnamon.
swinging. as in on a swing set. outside. really high.
pearl earrings.

------------------
that is all for today. just thought i would share with you.

monday.

Last Monday, I started out the day pretty much the same as today. But by the end of the day I was nearly dead in my bed. Today, we're doin' things differently. I woke up a little slower. I took my time. I ate some cereal. I prayed.
I know I can't do this week on my own.
I'm tired.
I'm ready for a break.
So, I'm asking for some strength. And some wisdom. And discerning.
To know when to push myself. And when to relax.
To find the time for the important things.
And let some things slide.
Alright Monday, let's do this thing.

little glitter.

i thought i would take advantage of the semi-schizophrenic state of my mind (thanks in part to the flu, cold meds and the fact i haven't been outside in several days) and transcribe the fleeting thoughts flitting across my sick little brain.
last night i was in bed and was amazed to see a small speck of light, a little glitter. i wondered what it could be and then brilliantly assumed it was a wish fairy. so i thought about all the things i would wish for if the little glitter wish fairy would just fly over to my bed and ask me. (unfortunately, she never did).
1. wheat toast with butter.
2. world peace.
3. a wish fairy for everyone nice.
4. enough hours free from headache to finish all of my homework.
5. a tele-transporter device to ship me home tomorrow so i don't actually have to drive and it will only take 2 seconds and 0 gallons of gas.
6. for her to stay and be my friend so i don't get lonely ever.
7. for all the styrofoam on planet earth to disappear.
8. i think that's all i can remember right now.
after i was done making wishes... i thought about some other things.
when i was very small i remember driving into minneapolis at night and thinking it was the most beautiful thing i had ever seen in my entire life. the buildings were so sparkly and yellow-soft.
summer stars.
clean rooms.
italian restaurants with candle light and loads of pasta and bread. and love at all the tables.
a giant glass of diet 7up at my grandma's house.
coming downstairs after a winter nap and my mom was making supper and you could smell the goodness and hear the sizzle-crack all throughout the whole house. and you knew there would be grand biscuits.
christmas lights.

the flu.

So, Monday I came down with the flu. I've been in bed for most of the past 2 days. I've been living off animal crackers and tea - the only things I haven't regurgitated. Today I had a special delivery of some medicine from Health Services. I took some... fell asleep... and woke up with a wicked nasty fever. And my head was really hot. Naturally, I cut off my hair - as most people doped up on cold medicine are likely to do. It's not that bad, I don't think. But I'm the only one who's seen it so far...

brandon.

now, i don't mean to brag. ok. maybe i do.
this is brandon heath.
he is singing "sunrise".
which might be my favorite song in the entire world.
and yeah... that's an empty arena.
just me. my best friend. and brandon heath.

"You wanna sound off but you can't find the words to
Nothin’ makes sense in the way that it used to
Can't find the plus in the positive thinking
The well's run dry and you're not done drinking

Clouds start comin’ and the sky will fall
Clock stares back from the bedroom wall
Now you’re breathin’ just to make it through the night

All you need is a sunrise
Just a moment of dawn
If you're lost in the twilight
Close your eyes and move on
When you're tired in the waiting
Even though it's gonna take you
A little more time
Just a little more time the sun's gonna find you

Holding your days like a stack of paper
Then you're chasing the wind as the pages scatter
You can save a few but you can't get ‘em all back
So get out fast with your heart in tact

Find yourself on the very edge
Lying awake in an empty bed
Now you’re breathin’ just to make it thru the night."

love.

my excuse.

Rather than attending class, I opted to skip Shakespeare today. I thought it would be in my best interest. Now that class is approximately half-over and I am still savoring my cup of coffee, I do feel mildly guilty about it. But, I was able to do oodles of things that I never would have been able to had I gone to class.
I tend to adhere to a general attitude of anti-laziness. I despise slothfulness and procrastination. I hate feeling like I'm not getting anything done, nothing accomplished. For some reason today, I felt compelled to go against all this and deliberately, without a valid note from a doctor or psychiatrist, skip class.
Now, I need an escape from this twinge of guilt eating away at the remainder of my freedom. I realize it is just one day, my only skip of the whole semester, but I still feel as though I might have missed something big, something important, or just slacked off on my duty as a tuition paying, perfectionist student/suck-up.
So, in order to relieve this impending remorse, I'm going to compile a list of all the pros of skipping Shakespeare today:
1. Extended coffee time.
2. Finishing and feeling fabulous about a take-home test due this afternoon.
3. Prolonged conversation with Melissa, without the feeling of "I need to go" every five seconds.
4. Actually having time to pick out a decent outfit, rather than opting for sweats (again).
5. Cozying up on a couch in the library and not moving, or feeling like I should move, for an entire hour.
6. Enjoying an omelet.
7. Taking extra time to walk to the forum in the absolutely perfect spring-scented air.
8. Digging through my shoe basket and finding my sandals from last summer buried beneath the snow boots and tennies. Deciding to wear them in celebration of a 60 degree forecast.
9. Having time to blog. Erase blog. Start again. Erase. Start again. And finish.

this day.

Converse.
Old jeans.
Vneck.
Flannel.
Pearl earrings and a pashmina to pretend I’m dressed up.
The sun was rising when I headed to work at 6:53 a.m. - an absolutely beautiful thing to behold.
A new mix in the player. Jason Mraz. Coldplay. Ari Herstand.
Incredibly close to 7 hours of sleep and a perfect latte.
“I can tell it’s gonna be a good day” – Priscilla Ahn.