surprise.

No, I'm not pregnant. I feel like that is what people normally say after, "surprise". Either that or happy birthday. Neither of which apply.

But, I was reading "The Mermaid Chair", by Sue Monk Kidd, last night. The prologue tells the story of a restless 42 year old woman, realizing she has never astonished herself, never experienced the euphoria of a surprise of the strength or her own character. I have grasped a tiny measure of the despair of not knowing what I am capable of, of what I should have done, what I should strive to do.

This week, the bottom completely fell out of my "plan". I had been so confident that I was where I was supposed to be, doing what I was supposed to be doing. I was in my groove. Strong, independent, driven. In an attempt to get organized and ensure everything was going to work according to plan, I realized nothing will. No part of what I had been striving to accomplish will be completed as I had hoped.

I need to step back. I need to reevaluate, reconsider everything about what I had dreamed to be true for my life. Is my original plan worth the extraordinary input of time and money, or do I need to completely change my plan, my dream, my desires?

I realize this post is void of any concrete detail. It's intentional. Perhaps I'm not the only one reconsidering, reevaluating. Perhaps a lack of detail will translate easier into the details of a different life.

I have not lost hope. I know that I know that all things will work together for a purpose that is good and perfect. A plan that is beyond what I had imagined for myself. But, oh how easy it is to despair in the dark confusion of a decision, overwhelmed by my limited perspective.

For today, still lost in my own thoughts, my own indecision, I must concentrate on what I know:
"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." - 2 Corinthians 12: 9-10