bittersweet soundbyte.

not quite a symphony.

as i left school for the semester and made my way toward summer, i started to cry. which is not a big surprise, i seem to cry all the time as of late. but, i thought it strange regardless, because generally, as students break free for summer vacation, tears are not part of the scene. (unless it's 'high school musical')
so, i was driving along, and it suddenly hit me. almost a literal strike:
i have had the best year of my life thus far.
and as i left, i realized the next year, although at the same school, will not be the same. not the same first time experiences. not the same roommates. not the same group of girls. not the same first dates. learning professors' methods. not the same class schedule stocked with lit. classes. the same room overlooking the pretty trees and sidewalk.
and i was filled with the memories of the past year: who i've met, what i've learned and how i've changed.
although, i'm incredibly excited to start the summer and get my tan on. i can't help feeling a little sad for the semesters i'm leaving behind.
but, i'm not one to dwell. i think it's best to savor the past and look forward to the future, but always live in the moment.
so here i go. remembering the best year. ever. loving my fresh bakery donut and coffee for breakfast. and can't wait to see what's next.

it's been ages...

and i apologize.

update:
finished school for the semester. off to summer vacation. and i feel really good about that.
camping trip = pure bliss.
currently, cooped up in my little sister's room. she loves to talk. not quite so blissful, but entertaining. and free.

__________________________
Now, for the real blogging. With real sentences. Almost.

I have this theory, which was recently shot down by someone smarter than I am, but I prefer to believe regardless. I believe if one spends enough time outdoors, they could never be unhappy. Now, I realize some people are determined to be pessimists. And I realize some work done outdoors is not exactly pleasant (cleaning up roadkill for example). But, I am choosing to believe nature is where we were meant to be. And when we step outside of the noise and florescent lighting and air conditioning and just embrace the great outdoors, how could you not let all negativity slip away? It's beautiful. Go run around. Breathe. Release.

I think a great part of this theory is my choice, to just believe that happiness is as tangible as a wild flower you don't know the name of. And as clear as a bright blue sky.

"I have to tell you something. I cannot help being happy. I’ve struggled against it but to no good. Apart from an odd five minutes here and there, I have been happy all my life. There is, I am well aware, no virtue whatever in this. It results from a combination of heredity, health, good fortune, and shallow intellect." -Arthur Marshall

Midwest Girl

As much as I would like to think I am not... I really am a Midwest girl. Down to the very soles of my shoes (which happen to be mud-caked Nike's from high school). I love to watch the seasons change and survey the shifting landscape. To judge the height of the corn by my legs and give in to the excitement of the constant growth around me. I love the lilacs in spring, wild in abandoned farm places. I love kids on bikes racing on a gravel road. I love farmers in their trucks and faithful dogs by their side. I love that a pot of coffee shared between neighbors is a priority. I love feeling comfortable just walking in the back door. And sitting on the porch, watching the sun go down between black trees and the outlines of barns and silos.

"What I Learned"

In Literary Theory today, we discussed what we learned over the course of the semester. We each needed to pick out something that stood out to us, that we will remember, or perhaps that changed our perspective. As cliche as it may be, I generally think it's a worthwhile exercise.
Although it is difficult for me to pick out the one thing that impressed me the most, I mentioned the importance of effectively using my words. We have done a survey of theories with a wide range of meaning socially and textually, but critically considering the works of others has brought me back to think critically of my own language. Whether in speech or in writing, I desire to effectively convey my meaning, and use language responsibly.
I love the end of a semester. I love looking back on the material covered and knowing I have gleaned more than just a ratty text book and limited sleep. To be able to take the things I have learned and use them in my chosen career path, as well as every day life, I would say is definitely a semester well-spent.

mid-chaos.

linguistics presentation. check. rocked that.
lit. theory rough draft...didn't quite get that started.
shakespeare monologue coming up in 38 minutes. i think i'm ready.
then later today it is study study study for my linguistics final tomorrow and quickly put together my portfolio for reading in the content area.

i do love being in school.
i love that i can learn all day every day about my favorite things.
i do not, however, love hell week.

next week - finals week. which will be better, actually.
i might get to see my dad.
packing up all of my belongings.
a little bit more relaxed schedule.
saying good bye to my best friends for the summer.
i'm not sure how i will survive without you.

but i am incredibly excited for a camping trip i have planned for next week. finally, an escape. and some adventure. possibly a little romance? i think, yes. it will be quite nice.

these are a few of my favorite things. continued.

in an attempt to get rid of this starting the week sadness...

here are a few more favorites:
(who says money can't buy happiness?)

Sharpie pens.
Envia shampoo & conditioner.
Mocha m&m's.
Burt's Bee's pomegranate lip balm.
Eight O'Clock coffee.
Asics.
Crest whitening toothpaste with Scope.
Glamour magazine.
Citizen Eco-Drive watch.
Oohey Goohey Peanut Butter Chocolate Cake from Bozwellz.
Japanese Cherry Blossom fragrance from Bath & Body.
Nalgene. Pink.

sunday night blues.

as i watch the sky turns from bright blue to dark and gray...
and the tears inevitably come.

wishing the weekend would never end.
days full of favorites and sunshine.
carefree.
walking.
laughing.
lazy.
just to be next to you.

already missing the part of my life that leaves a hole in my chest all week long.
a tight fist gripping.
pain impairs any attempt at a deep breath.

when monday morning comes,
there's no looking back.
just work and think and run.

but sunday nights...
i can't help but cry.
every single time.
just letting the tears stream down my cheeks.
determined to make it through this week.

(painting 'night window' by ian darragh)

happy weekend.

finished the race faster than i thought i could.
spent the day with my favorites.
ate massive amounts of chocolate and did not feel one teensy bit of remorse.
shrimp cocktail and champagne for brunch.
sister time.
beautiful day.

my life is good.

now on to this week...
which is looking hellish.
i'm locked in my usual hiding place in the library looking at my to do list:
lit. theory paper due.
reading portfolio due.
linguistics presentation.
linguistics final.
young adult literature - two books left.
shakespeare monologue performance.
and a full week of work.

but i am still determined to finish well.
i think i can.
i think i can.
i think i can.

spontaneous.

spending my friday night waiting...

which is kind of the story of my life. many many days have been spent just waiting...

i'm waiting for my sister to arrive.
she's 16.
her first big girl road trip all on her own.
it's a little scary for me to imagine my little bitty sister driving herself 2 hours alone.

woah. joshua radin just blessed my life and popped up on pandora.com. if you have not heard him...'we are ok'. go. now.

i'm reading 'gossip girl' for a lit theory paper. i'm attempting to write a cultural/feminist analysis... i want to pull my hair out.

tomorrow's the race day. wish me luck. i realized i haven't run a 5k since high school... and then i got nervous.

i've been trying to write a poem for days. i'm stuck. the words won't flow and i can't make them make sense. it won't get out of my head. sometimes poems jump out in minutes and i will never think of them again. they are finished. this one just keeps swirling through my brain and never pausing long enough for me to articulate exactly what i need.

ok...back to work. just needed to let out some minor frustrations, i guess.

a quickie.

(summertime blues from photographyblog.com)

12 minutes before work.
we'll just see what words come out...

i've been spending an extraordinary amount of time outdoors lately.
which i love love love.
walking. running. playing.

i have a race coming up on saturday. a 5k.
which i'm totally stoked about.
i'm excited to run fast.

only one more full week of classes left.
i'm determined to finish well.
complete every assignment.
do all the reading (hopefully).
study hard.
write eloquently. intelligently.
the grades aren't my number one concern... i just need to feel as though i finished to the best of my ability. not holding anything back. but giving all i could.

and then... on to the future.
camping
counseling
cooking
traveling?
fireworks
a tan
squeezing every bit of goodness out of this summer.

cinco de mayo.

i love the feeling of complete surprise when you amaze even yourself.

sometimes i lose sight of who i am. who i profess to be. who i desire to become.
and i get mad. and angry and dare i say bitchy.
and i know that's not me.
and i have to take a step back and reevaluate and take some time to listen to my soul.

but sometimes...i go beyond what i think i can do.
and i stretch myself.
and grow.
and become better than i thought i could be.

oh, humanity.

today is a busy day. i'm not exactly looking forward to the running around like a crazy person part...but i know at the end of the day i'll be falling asleep with a smile on my face once again. so that is good news.
schedule:
work
class
work
volunteer
class
work
salsa dancing

so i'm staying on the side of the glass half-full and i'll make it through today because i know this is the good life.

sunday morning.

sleeping in on sunday
covered in sheets
and sunlight blankets
around us
your arms around me
hiding
and holding close
butterfly eyes open
almost.