100

this is my 100th post.

exciting.

in the beginning, i might say i started this thing as an excuse to talk about myself. everyone loves to talk about themselves.
and i believe i have done quite a lot of it. talking about myself, that is.

but i do love the part about a blog where i can look back and have a clearer picture of who i am. who i was. and who i am becoming.

i was just beginning to figure myself out. enjoying the process of writing it down. taking a moment or a feeling or a bad day and reflecting. making it interesting. a worthwhile story to tell.

these are some things i have learned:
(the education department would be proud - i'm evolving into a reflective practitioner)
-i don't really like commas - except for in places they don't belong, like here,
-i prefer not to use capital letters. i think they're obnoxious.
-sometimes i am funny.
-sometimes i am serious.
-funny posts get more responses - why is this?
-it's ok to be a little vulnerable.

well, to those stopping by, thanks.
i'm really glad you're here.

this is big.

as previously mentioned...
i am "dealing"
i have a tendency to get so wound up, so anxious, so worried. and i just think about all of the things i need to get done, where i need to be, what needs to happen, what could happen. it is ridiculous. and getting out of hand.
but i had a revelation this morning.
maybe not a revelation, but an articulation of something i had recently realized.

i am living my life right now.

radical. i know.
but my life is happening, and i'm just letting it slip by all anxious and worried and forgetting to enjoy and love the moment i'm in.
since Jason proposed, i think, i just sort of recognized this beautiful moment that is right now.
and why should i let it all slip by unnoticed?
i'm engaged to the greatest man on planet earth. i'm learning in a university that i love. i am planning and preparing for a beautiful life, but i'm also living right now.
and i will no longer allow life to simply pass by.

just this morning:
an outfit i feel great in.
rain & soggy leaves smell on my walk to the forum.
freshly painted red fingernails.
oatmeal and cinnamon toast for breakfast.
now hot passion tea in the coffeeshop.

my life is happening right now. and i am loving every second.

confidence

Today, I have to give a mini-lesson for my Methods of Teaching English class.

I picked the topic of poetry to teach on, since it is something I am passionate and enthusiastic about. If only I can exude this passion over my anxiety.

How can I teach when a simple mini-lesson is bringing on sweaty palms?

Turning to the one and only Julie Andrews...seeking the confidence I lack.

"What will this day be like? I wonder.
What will my future be? I wonder.
It could be so exciting to be out in the world, to be free
My heart should be wildly rejoicing
Oh, what's the matter with me?

I've always longed for adventure
To do the things I've never dared
And here I'm facing adventure
Then why am I so scared

Oh, I must stop these doubts, all these worries
If I don't I just know I'll turn back
I must dream of the things I am seeking
I am seeking the courage I lack

The courage to serve them with reliance
Face my mistakes without defiance
Show them I'm worthy
And while I show them
I'll show me

So, let them bring on all their problems
I'll do better than my best
I have confidence they'll put me to the test
But I'll make them see I have confidence in me

Somehow I will impress them
I will be firm but kind
And all those children (Heaven bless them!)
They will look up to me

And mind me with each step I am more certain
Everything will turn out fine
I have confidence the world can all be mine
They'll have to agree I have confidence in me

I have confidence in sunshine
I have confidence in rain
I have confidence that spring will come again
Besides which you see I have confidence in me

Strength doesn't lie in numbers
Strength doesn't lie in wealth
Strength lies in nights of peaceful slumbers
When you wake up -- Wake Up!

It tells me all I trust I lead my heart to
All I trust becomes my own
I have confidence in confidence alone
(Oh help!)

I have confidence in confidence alone
Besides which you see I have confidence in me!"

sloppy seconds.

a little break from wedding planning...
as i am still a full-time student completely immersed in academia.

here's a little sampler for you all in the blogworld. i wrote this for my 'structure and philosophy of american education' course. which i kind of love.

and although it might not have called for it... this passion was suddenly awakened in me as i was writing a simple assignment: my motivation to pursue the teaching profession.

A deep love for learning is what has fueled my desire to teach above all else. The moments in my life, my “aha” moments, have become fodder for the flame to share meaningful learning experiences with students. Many students pass through school without ever having a deep encounter with the material, without recognizing the importance specific content areas may hold in their life. This acceptance of learning as mundane is a tragedy in the current educational system, and I have a deep, possibly naïve, desire to share my passion for writing and literature with high school students. Adolescence is a difficult time, transitional and meaningful in forming identity. I want to tap into the wellspring of passion and enthusiasm and attempt to direct students toward a lifestyle of learning and of loving language as a means of communicating and connecting with other individuals.
As a student myself, I have cultivated my love for learning and passion for literature over the course of several years. I am studying at a university devoted to teaching and learning and feel I am being prepared in a program set up to develop the best teachers possible. I began with the foundation of a love for learning, and am now building a structure of knowledge, classroom experience, strategies and theory. As I practice and move forward in my teaching career, I hold a firm belief in connecting with those with more wisdom and experience than I possess. By asking questions, taking advice, communicating with others in the field and reading recent research I will continue to develop as a teacher. I do not believe in achieving a static measure of success. I want to continually grow and learn, teaching and interacting with my students in new and meaningful ways.
In spite of my conviction to share a passion for learning and literature in addition to participation in a quality teacher education program, I recognize the overwhelming evidence of the difficulty of the teaching profession and decrease in teacher retention for K-12 classrooms. In a recent survey by NCEI, researchers found 4 out of 10 teachers as likely to leave teaching in a K-12 classroom within the next five years. As I have realized the tendency of teachers to leave the profession, I have affirmed the commitment to teaching. Teaching is undoubtedly difficult; school days are long and tedious. Disrespect and poor working conditions in addition to low salary are all legitimate reasons for leaving the teaching profession. But, I have made a decision based on personal convictions and devoted precious time, energy and money to the development of my knowledge and experience as a teacher. I recognize the evidence and choose to work to overcome obstacles that may come and persist in the profession.

dreaming.

my mind has been flooded with beautiful images, ideas, dreams for our wedding day.

here are a few things i love:



j. crew dresses



lilac bouquets



old fashioned photo booth pictures



champagne colored bridesmaids' dresses



tandem bicycles



old, white cars

wowowowow.

Jason asked me to marry him Saturday night, and I said yes.

Well... first I said are you kidding me?! And then I cried. And then I said yes.

I know you'll want the whole story and this week is going to be psychotic because believe it or not, I did no homework this weekend. So here's the story, morning glories.

I drove down to see Jason in the afternoon, and we went to Little Swan Lake Winery - one of our favorite places. We tested out some wine, bought a few bottles and then headed back to the lakes. On the way back into town he said, "Let's go this way. We never go this way." and I said, "Ok." And so we went to the Elinor Bedell State Park and it was so beautiful out, so we walked around a little bit. And then I said, "Ooo, we should go explore down these steps. I always feel like there's something exciting about stairs you can't see the bottom to." So we walked down this beautiful path, with purple flowers all around and the sun was setting and the lake was still and lovely. And we sat down on these cute little stone benches overlooking the lake and this bridge. And he just kept looking at me and looking at me and looking at me...And I was getting really uncomfortable... And I didn't know what to say or do...Trying to think of something witty to say to fill in the silence...And then he grabbed both of my hands and said, "Christina Buesing......" (More silence and looking) ".......Will you marry me?" And then I thought he was kidding, but he was serious and I cried and hugged him and wouldn't let go and cried and kissed him and asked if he was kidding again, but he wasn't.

--------------------------------------

This blog, in case you haven't noticed, rather than following any sort of concrete format or distinct theme, is more of a notebook. A journal for my thoughts. And as my life continues to change, so does my train of thought.

I hope you don't mind.

Random. Miscellany. Love.

the monarch

As part of this "dealing" process, which I mentioned in earlier posts, I have been meeting with a counselor at school. Yesterday we talked and she mentioned trying to "live in the moment". To embrace each event as it happens and use all five senses to fully experience the current environment - a marvelous idea, I said.

I left feeling lighter and walked with an awareness of my surroundings, the blue sky, the birds and falling leaves. My eyes caught a beautiful monarch flitting among the trees, and I watched it float as I continued walking down the sidewalk. The brakes of a passing semi-truck distracted my peaceful "in the moment" walk, and to my horror, the butterfly was viciously sucked into the gnashing teeth of the truck's metal grill.

I would love to put some lovely cliché here, explicit and direct, a perfect parallel of some real life trauma or virtue or ideology.

Instead, I just continued to walk, the heaviness over my heart returned and I drove home to the funeral.

in ENGL 300

scribbled on a scratch of notebook paper

years built on a cracked foundation -
crumbling now.
how
can i
keep it all
tidy. neat.
without the ground beneath me

dealing.

perhaps the postings to follow will reveal more of my fragile heart than usual.

i need an outlet. a release.

i'm beginning to deal.

traditionally, i'm a stuffer. a turtle.
i shove it all inside and try to forget it exists.

but i can no longer stuff and shove and hide inside my shell.

or i really will die. (see previous posts)

so, all i'm saying actually, is that things might get messy.

a rough week ahead. but with a merciful God, a restful weekend, an amazing boyfriend, friends surrounding and family soon, i think i'm going to make it.

update:

I'M ALIVE!

rarely do i feel the need for all caps. but the second i woke up this morning... i hyperventilated a little bit, took a deep breath and said, "YES! THANK YOU JESUS - I'M ALIVE!"

seeing the light

I realize this might be the most cliché phrase in the history of the English language, but I know no other words to describe what happened last night.

Let me begin a few weeks earlier. I had a dream I was living in a beautiful old house with lovely wood floors, soft lighting, a crackling fireplace and a dog cozied on the rug. I opened the door to Christmas Eve and welcomed my family into my home. Aunts and uncles whom had long since passed away were youthful and healthy and I hugged them as they came inside. As I ushered relatives indoors, it started snowing softly beneath the streetlights and I could see the waves of an ocean in the distance. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever beheld. I woke up in tears, overwhelmed by the beauty of it all.

Last night, I finished my homework and shut off the lights, crawled under the covers and quickly fell asleep. I dreamt I was in a beautiful old house and saw my great-grandparents in the room, whom have been deceased for quite some time. I rushed over and embraced the two of them and as I did, I was lifted off the ground. Light surrounded me, there was no up, no down. It felt as though I had been lifted into a sunrise, blinding light, but warm and soft and beautiful. As I was dreaming, I felt a gentle presence nearing and I began to say the name of Jesus. Just as I did, my boyfriend woke me up in a panic because I was crying in my sleep, about to scream.

I kept crying for some time, just simply overwhelmed. I have never had a dream so vivid and clear, nor so weighty. I was suddenly aware of how brief my life could be and remembered someone telling me once, "If you die in your dream, you are dead in real life." I have no idea of the truth of this statement, but I was/still am certainly freaked out.

I couldn't fall back asleep, and was consumed by the dream. I drove back to school, ate breakfast, went to class, worked for my professor, all with the overwhelming clarity that this could very well be my last day on Earth. But, what else was I to do? Go to Disneyland? I had to eat. Go to class. And work. And still do.

I saw the campus chaplain in the hallway on my way to the mail room and practically accosted him, the poor man. I said, "I had a dream last night, I died. Or was dying. And right when I was about to see Jesus I woke up. Am I going to die? I don't think I can ever sleep again." (I was still a little overwhelmed.)

He very calmly explained how common these dreams can be and recommended I take time each night to relax, reflect and process the events of the day. Turn everything off. Sit in silence. Be quiet.

This is all so very recent. I just needed to get it out, I guess. I am still a afraid, although I have never had a specific fear of death. I don't know where this came from. I don't know why. I...just don't know.