seeing the light

I realize this might be the most cliché phrase in the history of the English language, but I know no other words to describe what happened last night.

Let me begin a few weeks earlier. I had a dream I was living in a beautiful old house with lovely wood floors, soft lighting, a crackling fireplace and a dog cozied on the rug. I opened the door to Christmas Eve and welcomed my family into my home. Aunts and uncles whom had long since passed away were youthful and healthy and I hugged them as they came inside. As I ushered relatives indoors, it started snowing softly beneath the streetlights and I could see the waves of an ocean in the distance. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever beheld. I woke up in tears, overwhelmed by the beauty of it all.

Last night, I finished my homework and shut off the lights, crawled under the covers and quickly fell asleep. I dreamt I was in a beautiful old house and saw my great-grandparents in the room, whom have been deceased for quite some time. I rushed over and embraced the two of them and as I did, I was lifted off the ground. Light surrounded me, there was no up, no down. It felt as though I had been lifted into a sunrise, blinding light, but warm and soft and beautiful. As I was dreaming, I felt a gentle presence nearing and I began to say the name of Jesus. Just as I did, my boyfriend woke me up in a panic because I was crying in my sleep, about to scream.

I kept crying for some time, just simply overwhelmed. I have never had a dream so vivid and clear, nor so weighty. I was suddenly aware of how brief my life could be and remembered someone telling me once, "If you die in your dream, you are dead in real life." I have no idea of the truth of this statement, but I was/still am certainly freaked out.

I couldn't fall back asleep, and was consumed by the dream. I drove back to school, ate breakfast, went to class, worked for my professor, all with the overwhelming clarity that this could very well be my last day on Earth. But, what else was I to do? Go to Disneyland? I had to eat. Go to class. And work. And still do.

I saw the campus chaplain in the hallway on my way to the mail room and practically accosted him, the poor man. I said, "I had a dream last night, I died. Or was dying. And right when I was about to see Jesus I woke up. Am I going to die? I don't think I can ever sleep again." (I was still a little overwhelmed.)

He very calmly explained how common these dreams can be and recommended I take time each night to relax, reflect and process the events of the day. Turn everything off. Sit in silence. Be quiet.

This is all so very recent. I just needed to get it out, I guess. I am still a afraid, although I have never had a specific fear of death. I don't know where this came from. I don't know why. I...just don't know.