to run.

getting started is the hardest part.

putting on my tennis shoes, i groan.
i really just don't want to go.
it's rainy.
it's windy.
i should just take a break.
just wait until tomorrow.
then some tiny piece of me overcomes my quitter tendencies and kicks my butt out the door. and i'm off.

that first mile, i want to give up.
just quit.
my shins hurt.
i'm breathing heavy already.
i think i'm cramping up.
just quit.

but now i know getting started is the hardest part.
and i know once i get past that first mile, i'm going to be just fine.
i'm not going to die.
i'm actually going to feel more alive than i have all day.

and when i'm finished, sweat pouring down my neck and breathing hard and wobbling legs, i love it.

and i tuck that piece, the sweat and smile, back into my brain and save it for the next rainy day.

"do a little more each day than you think you can do."

What to do with my life: Learn.

3/3

I want to be always searching.
Always looking.
Always learning.

I never want to be static - to feel like I've arrived at this source of all knowledge, like I know it all and can just stop now.
The more I know, I realize how much there is still to learn.
And I want that sense of wonder, awe, and respect for others more knowledgeable than myself to continue throughout my entire life.

Choosing an occupation in education, I believe it is imperative to realize how far I am from knowing it all. I want to be able to change my views, my attitudes, my perspective. I want to realize I'm wrong. And change.

I want to be always growing.

What to do with my life: Love.

2/3

If I had the world stacked up before me, and all things were within my grasp, if all the wealth were mine, all the friends, I could do whatever I pleased and go wherever I wished, I would still have nothing. Nothing. Without love.

It is all vain. It is empty. It is meaningless.

I have learned, through poverty and pain, through despair and depression, through euphoria and ecstasy, through happiness and honor, that love is what remains. As friendships come and go, as my bank account fluctuates, as I move from city to city, I've got a stash of love within my soul, held safe, to give and take.

"Love is all you need."
True story.

What to do with my life: Teach.

part 1 of a 3 part series.

Recently, I had a revelation. I had spent a significant amount of time intentionally thinking, meditating, deciding, what were the most important things in my life. What are the essentials? What things are good, but unnecessary? What things are just taking up space and need to be left out?
My life can get crazy busy without my consent and soon I will realize I'm alone at 2:00 am wondering where my day, my energy, my life has gone.
And it hit me one morning, I need a purpose. A definite, unique, tangible, voiced direction for my life. I wanted to sift through the stuff consuming my days and retain what is imperative, and lose the unimportant. Almost instantaneously, three words came to mind: teaching, loving, learning.
Above all else, these are things I was made to do.
I haven't always believed I should teach; in high school, I was repulsed by the idea. But after a similar assessment of the direction of my life a few years ago, I realized there is nothing else I would rather do, that I would enjoy as much, and that fit my character. I love the challenge of giving students of any age power, independence, a voice through education. I love the idea of inspiration, stemming from a new perspective. And I love to watch the growth which comes from a mind that is stretched and encouraged and a heart that is passionate.
My abilities, my ideas, my creativity, are perfectly fit within my passion.
Wherever I go, whatever I do, I want a primary focus of my life to be teaching.

these are a few of my favorite things.

pandora.com
campfire + losing electricity + an almost burnt marshmallow
bandaid-ing a skinned knee. taking away the hurt. practicing motherhood.
peanut butter on wheat toast.
the smell of dirt.
intentionally boycotting homework.
high heels.
learning something new.
art.
uncontrollable smiles.
cinnamon scones.
international phone calls.
best friend(s).
finding the perfect spot. fitting right beside the one who makes you happy.
fridays.

(artwork by andy davis)

an early morning.

i have no excuse.
no reason to be up this early.
other than my absolute love for coffee.
and wicked sleep pattern only allowing me minimal sleep.

but this is what i love about an early morning...

I love that when I open my eyes and my alarm has yet to ring, I can snuggle back in the mountain of down and cotton and watch the light filter slowly into my room. I love the blue grey soft welcome covering the room, a nearly magical "hello, you" perfect color for a not quite coherent sleepy head.
I love to make a list in my head of the things to do today - what I'm looking forward to, what I'm going to get accomplished. Nothing has happened yet. I haven't screwed up. I can cling to a positive perspective until my toes touch the ground and I will inevitably snap back to reality. I love the quiet.
Then, I go. Dream girl hits the floor. Just slip on off my lofted bed and foggily find my coffee cup. I love opening the bag of coffee grounds and that first breath of caffeinated goodness, snap open my eyes.
Mmm. Cheers to you, Mr. Morning.

bored.

discontent is stirring
reeking havoc
destroying coursing
through my soul

stuck

in the mundane
middle
forget that tunnel
where's this light you speak of?

how i feel about mondays.

a little sad the weekend is over.
not too excited to start my mundane existence once again.
my days are defined by: work. class. work. homework.
somehow still anxiously anticipating what the week will hold.
my eternally optimistic heart looking forward to something exciting.
something new.
something fairy tale-esque.

i just can't help it.

happy days.

saturday. what a day.
groovin' all week with you.
these days are all
happy and free.
those happy days.
these days are all
share them with me.
those happy days.

happy saturday all.

no class. no work.
just me and my own time management techniques and to do list.

today...
waking up early.
kashi and coffee.
write a paper.
read.
read.
read.
paint my nails.
clean.
and a lazy, rainy saturday afternoon with my man.
top it with a musical.
and that sounds like a happy day, indeed.

growing up, i never had saturdays off. my dad is in the restaurant business and i think i worked nearly every saturday from age 4 to 20. except prom. he let me have prom off.

now that i'm at school, i have my nights and weekends off and oh, what a life!
i never knew it could be like this - going to bed at a decent hour, waking up feeling refreshed and not smelling at all like barbeque sauce and booze.

my new philosophy on what saturdays were made for:
crossing things off the proverbial to do list.
adding a few favorite things. and making time to actually do them.
i.e. sitting at a coffee shop or riding your bike.
a slower pace.
seeing your favorite people.
listening to your favorite songs as many times as you want.
dancing a little.
loving a lot.

finally.

andy warhol. flowers.

a few extra minutes.
and i'm using them to blog.

the semester is on its downward slide.
papers due. an overwhelming heap of reading to be done.
take-home tests and memorized definitions define my life.

please know i'm not complaining.
this has been arguably the best year of my life.
i realize it's oh so cliche to say such a thing.
but i don't remember ever being so happy in my 22 years as i am right now.

why:
i made the decision to be here. on my own.
i don't have to share my toothpaste with anyone.
i have learned an incredible amount about myself. and the english language.
i am proud of the work i've done.
i have learned how to deal with 2nd graders. and disrespect.
my professors care about me.
i met my best friend.
i've developed my own theories. philosophies. ideas. perspective.
i realized i actually do love poetry.
i live on a lake.
i found out i am capable of running 4 miles without dying.
i'm not afraid to speak out in class.

i'm ok with who i'm turning out to be.


it might sound like i'm bragging. and i might be. but when you know you're living in the best time of your life thus far...it's hard not to celebrate.
my life has rarely gone as i would have expected. and i'm so glad.
i know i would have never made it to where i am right now, without having been were i was before.

thank you Jesus, for holding this life in your hands.
for having a plan.
for holding me through the darkness.
and giving me the hope to make it til morning.
for unconditional love.
for giving me this sweet gift.
abundant life.

reunited.

hug for minutes.
share our stories.
cute shoes & a flirty waiter.
strongbow & fries. mmmm.
back in sweats.
the women.
clean sheets & comfy pillows.
wake up to cinnamon scones (homemade).
french press coffee.
just sit and talk for hours straight.
sunshine and the warmth of a friendship lasting forever.
off to the mall.
with ray lamontagne.
a perfect outfit.
cookie dough blizzard.
and rush off to get ready.
you look amazing.
i love you.
and i'm so glad our lives didn't end up like our 8th grade dreams.

live it up, girl. these are the days we'll wish for when we're covered in kids and breast milk, parent-teacher conferences, moody husbands and mini vans that smell like dirty diapers.

patchwork.

one of the things i love about blogging...
is that i can look back and find pieces of myself that i might have forgotten.
when i lose myself...and can't decide what to do...or who to be...
all i need to do is dig through my archives (limited though they may be)
and find pieces of my soul. my mind. my heart.
all fitting together.
a mismatched creation.
a patchwork quilt.
of me.

a severe mercy

i'm reading "a severe mercy" by sheldon vanauken. again. i woke up this morning and i remembered their love story and i just needed to read it, to experience it along with my own, today. if you haven't read it... it is the most amazing (true) story of a love so real. so perfect...

"to hold her in my arms against the twilight and be her comrade for ever - this was all i wanted so long as my life should last...and this, i told myself with a kind of wonder, this was what love was: this consecration, this curious uplifting, this sudden inexplicable joy, and this intolerable pain."

dreaming of adventure...

stuck in the mid-semester workload
homework mundane
everyday droning on similar to the last

this is not to say my life is completely dull
i have a great life
i love my life

but...i'm getting tired of the same scene
same same same

i'm beginning to think about how far i could go
where i could hide
relax
refresh
recharge

dreaming of adventure...
soon please

crying in the library.

back in my corner.
listening to shawn mcdonald.
my God. my life. so good.

take my hand.
on You i want to stand.
i cannot do it on my own.
i need You.

i love today.

i love that i have a full day of nothing i really HAVE to do.
my to do list is my own.
sometimes... when i know i don't necessarily have to be anywhere for a specific amount of time... i think about how far i could travel and still make it back in time.
does anyone else do this?
for example: i do not have to be anywhere until monday morning, 7 am. right now, it's 10:20 saturday am. i could probably make it to chicago or duluth no problem.
but, i probably won't. i just like to play with the idea.
so, i'm actually really intending on...
1. painting my nails.
2. laundry.
3. cleaning the lounge.
4. having coffee with christy simultaneously doing some homework and talking about the most important things in our lives.
5. running a few miles.
6. getting ready for my hot date.
7. going out for thai food and drinks at lake ave.
8. falling asleep with a smile on my face. again.

a maze me.

all in the name of april.
happy poetry month.
this book is a stellar read.
so pick it up.
find your sisters.
and give some of your time.

outsider.

white mustang reinventing rolling
no now flying high
led zeppelin painting rainbows
a screaming swirling sky

a roller coaster bring me down
deep within my soul
a perfect peace this harmony
its how we hippies roll

all the difference.

Beware: April Fools Day at an Elementary School might be one of the scariest things known to mankind.
7 o'clock am rolls around and I head to school to hang out with 2nd-4th graders until their classes start.
Always an adventure, but today more than usual.
Kids were crazy - running around the classroom, hiding under desks, yelling out blatant lies and then screaming 'April Fools!'

When school finally began and I could sneak out of the nightmare...
One of the 2nd graders with whom we've had quite a bit of trouble this year walks up to me and gives me a great big hug.
"Hey Christina, I'll see you after school, ok?" In the voice that normally complains and yells profanities.
"Ok."
Total shock.

How can one kid turn around an entire morning of chaos with a simple hug?
I don't know.
But, really, it made all the difference.