hello all.

all you kids in blogosphere.

i've missed you.

i'm sorry i've been so absent.

exciting news here: i'm heading to korea in a few weeks. our first anniversary is coming up quite soon. i had my last lesson with the kiddos at the elementary school today. and my senior seminar paper is almost actually a real paper.

i'm feeling quite content on this little intricate balance between crazy and crazy. it's a fine line. but i'm balancing right above it.

the all-campus christmas dinner is tonight. i'm all dressed up (cute shoes even) & waiting for my dashing date (mr. walker). it's a lovely event where all the faculty and staff wait on the students and we light the christmas tree and everyone gets an ornament. how wonderful is that?

hoping you all are remembering your successes. your exciting news. your celebrations. and that little intricate balance between crazy and crazy.

love. love.

gratitude.

I would maintain that thanks are the highest form of thought; and that gratitude is happiness doubled by wonder. ~G.K. Chesterton

i've been inspired by the beautiful posts i've seen as of late - expressing thanks & gratitude for the every day things.

my mom told me once that gratitude actually eliminates some of the negative & toxic chemicals in our body. like some beautiful, chemical reaction occurs when we say, 'thank you'. i don't know the facts backing that one up, but i like it anyway.

today, i am so thankful for:
coming home to a loving husband - open arms, chamomile tea, and a neck massage.
finishing all of my homework ahead of time.
a free lunch.
a beautiful, beautiful, unseasonably warm fall day.
happy, hard-working kids at school.
opportunity.

hello, hello.

my name is christina. this is my blog. i've been a bit absent. and absent-minded. and crazy-minded, too.

can one be a bit absent? how about crazy-minded? hey, this is my blog. i think i can be whatever i want.

adverbs or adjectives or what-have-you can just cease to exist right here, thank you.

let me tell you about my days:

casablanca. for the first time. i don't know how i lived my whole life without it. i can't stop thinking about how beautiful ingrid bergman is. and how she stepped on to that plane and my heart broke.
lots of soup and rice and pasta and warm foods for my freezing cold, casablanca-broken heart.
world market. my love. chocolate. olive oil. a sushi mat. things which just cannot be found in the middle of iowa.
one of my students switches his consonants around between his head and his mouth and things like "foffee" (coffee) and "you shan kit by me, ms. washa" (you can sit by me) come out and make me smile.
snowflakes flew yesterday afternoon for this first time this season. i can't help but to believe it's magic. even when the wind is whipping my crazy hair all over the place and blowing down my sweater, making me freeze, freeze, freeze in the education building which will not have heat for the next three weeks (run-on?)

that's it. love.

blllaaaaaaah

i'm so sorry for this incredibly boring blog. i mean, seriously. nothing. for like 2 weeks! what is this?!

anyway.

this is what i've been doing:
teaching. a lot.
crying. also a lot. i like to blame it on my hormones, but maybe i'm just a freak.
homeworking. an absolutely ridiculous amount. absolutely. ridiculous.
freaking out. did i mention this already?

somebody please tell me i am not the only one setting themselves up for feelings of failure with every single little teeny tiny thing.

example a) attempting to make homemade tortillas without shortening or lard. (yuck.) ending up in tears.
example b) spending hours and hours and hours on a hypothetical unit plan for class. crying because i knew i should have done better. getting an a. and then feeling like my professor gave me an a just because she felt bad for me. and then crying again.

uhm.... ok. somethin's gotta give here.

praise the lord fall break starts tomorrow at 1:00 p.m. i don't think i could hold out any longer for the blessed occasion.

gosh this feels good just to have some word vomit and blech this all up on you guys. thanks.
you're the best.

uhm.... ok. so where do we go from here?

i think i'll try and wrap this little vomit package up with some good things:

the sunrise.
the kids at the elementary school who are so patient with me and give me such joy.
pilates.
and yoga.
and my favorite red journal.
girl's night tomorrow.
and bangs. (like the kind in my hair right now...jason said i look like a british pop star... a good thing??)

peace. and love. and try to relax, ok? (this might just be for me)

miracles.

have you seen 'babies'? it's wonderful. we (jason & i) watched it last night. we laughed & i cried & it was just bliss.

also - i'm making bread! i cracked open 'the joy of cooking' & picked out a whole wheat style. it is rising now & looking beautiful!

jason has declared it to be a pumpkin day. we're going to go find some pumpkins, carve them, toast the seeds, and maybe even make soup (i'm skeptical of pumpkin soup, but jason says it looks good...)

i've been trying to limit my screen time - less facebook, more real books - hence the lack of updates. i think it will be a good switch & am definitely looking forward to living more intentionally - looking at what i'm doing & deciding whether or not it's actually the best for me (& those around me).

this season is just amazing me - the colors are becoming more vivid everyday & the smells, mmmm! campfires, harvest, crunchy leaves...

happy fall, loves.

after a little breakdown...

i have decided my emotional health needs some serious attention.

i've been trying to think of things which make me not just happy, but content - completely satisfied with where i am, who i am and what i'm doing right now. (an exercise i am not so good at).

the best i've been able to come up with is to think of things that i have loved about the day - then, decide to dwell on the best & on being my best self tomorrow.

therefore:

today, i have loved...
the first piping hot cup of coffee with frothy milk & honey
wearing my yoga pants
self-medicating pms with dove dark chocolate promises
a reminder of the importance of all facets of health (not just the physical)
swingtime on iowa public radio while making supper
winning at "idiot's delight"
& the feel of my husband's hand on my foot while i study.

tomorrow, i will...
breath through everything & use the information i studied tonight to do well on my test.

did you have a lovely weekend?

we did. it was roller-coaster-esque, but lovely none-the-less.

we went visiting (just like the olden days).
we went to the farmers market!
& made a lot of food (apple crisp, stuffed mushrooms, a gigantic pot of chili).

i love having full days to spend with my love - no plans - & we just go wherever the wind blows us.

i'm not so much looking forward to another crazy, hectic week...

BUT
i start a new yoga/pilates class at the y - which i'm thrilled about.
jason will be home every night.
we bought sumatra blend coffee - this alone is enough to get me out of bed in the morning.

here's to dwelling on the positives & going for a stellar week. love.

another episode of friday faves

it's been another crazy hectic week, but not terrible. just crazy.

so here goes another list:
1. flannel.
2. apple crisp.
3. chai tea.
4. ray lamontagne & the pariah dogs.
5. a soft blanket and overcast days.
6. vanilla & sandalwood candle.
7. dove dark chocolate promises.
8. a husband who cleans.
9. and leaves love notes every day.
10. i don't know that my life could get any better than this.

i think these lists help me to remember the best pieces of my day and to forget the rest. i need that. i let my mind get so wrapped up in the stress & tension & situations outside my control. let it go, girl. and dwell on the bliss that is the every day.

love.

friday faves.

1. sun-dried tomato risotto.
2. grammar.
3. wearing a scarf.
4. busyness.
5. but still finding time to read for fun.
6. fearlessness.
7. coffee.
8. tea.
9. country music.
10. fall weather.
11. wool socks.
12. an empty weekend schedule.

hope your weekend is blissfully free. love.

school!

so, i'm back in school. full swing. first week of classes whizzed right past & now i'm knee deep in modern english grammar, curriculum development & teaching english to the newcomers at the elementary school. i love it! within five minutes of arriving at the elementary school yesterday i got a hug from a 1st grader because she "just loves to sit by her teachers!" (definitely exactly why i want to work with these kids) last night - i got to pull apart words into their respective morphemes and give a definition of each one. so fun!

(side note - this blog will remain oblivious to all rules of grammar because i prefer my ramblings to work this way)

it's wednesday. middle middle middle. but somehow - magically - i love wednesdays. wednesdays are for meeting with my favorite professors. for leftover potato soup & peach shortbread (from smitten kitchen - make this! seriously, just do it). for yoga. and for my first whack at risotto. and these are all wonderful things.

so, go out and have yourself a happy little wednesday!

perfect little ramblings.

this morning - i made eggs just like my grandpa used to make them for me when i was a little girl. they were perfect. burnt, lacey edges & just a little yoke for dipping toast.

yesterday - i wore my 'where's the beef?' t-shirt with running shorts to class. i am planning on soaking up each day this semester when i am not required to dress up & reveling in the joy of wearing sweats out in public.

my schedule is insane this semester... but i am weirdly looking forward to it. i love throwing myself into my schoolwork & feeling proud of my accomplishments.

tomorrow - i'm back in the elementary school working with the newcomers & non-english students. i can't wait. i love those kids.

n.c.

the north carolina list:

(just to get you started before we find our pictures...)

1. grapes. growing everywhere. it seems to be that what used to be a tobacco-dominated agricultural environment has turned to vineyards - has there ever been a better idea? i don't think so.

2. hoopfest. have you heard of this? hippies & yuppies alike hula hooping to the peace music in the middle of parks all across the state. i even felt like participating, but unfortunately i was wearing a skirt and this turned out to be a bad idea. or a good idea for the guy standing behind me who happened to think my undies were hilarious.

3. veggie food. i'm so glad it's trendy because it is so delicious & wonderful & maybe a little overwhelming to be able to order anything i want off the menu. in a good way.

4. friends. mountains. & ocean.

why we love n.c. in a nutshell.

what i love:

lazy saturday mornings. sleeping in until i simply cannot make myself sleep anymore because i am just way too hungry for scrambled eggs. then making perfect scrambled eggs with a juicy tomato and fresh rosemary & thyme.

a stack of new books from the library. all set & ready for vacation. (except i think i grabbed a book from a series and it is not the first book in the series so naturally i will need to take that back because i cannot read a series out of order. (run-on sentence?))

packing for vacation. swim suit. sunscreen. cute little shampoo & conditioner bottles. a new magazine. snacks. i pod. what could be better than all of my favorite things in one organized suitcase? nothing, i think.

hydrangeas. because they make my house smell like a country cottage all week long.

coffee in my favorite chipped cup with pretty flowers on it - cream, brown sugar, vanilla. my life is bliss.

- have a blissful weekend -

years & years.

it seems since i last posted here.

a few highlights of the summer thus far for your viewing pleasure:


a list of the best:
1. my little sister's wedding - absolute bliss
2. spending time with forever friends
3. camping
4. dancing with my husband
5. a super tan

good ideas.

i love it when my husband thinks of really good ideas.

like:

let's go to movie gallery & buy 6 movies for less than $20.
and then let's go to dq for blizzards.

our night was just perfect last night.
we swam.
we ate a delicious meal (recipe compliments of smitten kitchen - thank you oh so much for dressing up our chickpeas & spinach)
we ate our delicious meal outside. because the weather was divine.
and while we were eating our delicious meal outside, the husband thought of these wonderful ideas.

therefore:

eating outside causes brilliant ideas to be formed. so, do it!

but.... it's finals week. and this is the end of this post.
because i've got 4 more lessons to plan before tomorrow. ahh!

reveling.

this amazing, wonderful thing has happened. i decided to make my mantra "less selfish, more loving", to focus on others rather than me, me, me all day. and guess what...??? it actually makes me feel a whole lot better about my life! amazing, wonderful, right?

i made scones this weekend & now they are gone (which is kind of a relief because then i won't be tempted to eat them right before bed any more)
& this is the last week of classes - praise the LORD!
& also, it is yoga day. (which is my favorite day)

speaking of... would you like to hear the story of my yoga pants? yes? ok.

jas & i went to this awful "blues" place one night with a friend of his. a washed up 40's something group of guys thinking they were still 19 played green day cover songs & the three of us comprised the majority of the audience. awful.
one of the guitarists who was apparently getting bored or something started stopping by our table to chat on the way to the bar & kept asking if i wanted to come up & sing with them. i shook my head, no way, jose. but, my darling husband thought he would try & help the poor guy out, offering his wife as a sacrifice of sorts. so, he told the guitarist...
"you know, she does have her yoga pants on tonight and she's really flexible. she would probably love to get up there and dance with you guys."

next thing, the guitarist is magically back on stage asking for "christina. christina? are you still out there? oh, there she is! everybody help me out, i've just gotten word she has her yoga pants on and is really flexible, let's see her dance!"

so, this is where the story ends. because i looked down at the table, completely ignoring mr. guitarist, and my husband, and my husband's friend, and the other 6 people in the audience... who were all laughing, cheering & waiting for me to get up on stage.
and as anticlimactic as it may be... there was no way i was getting up there. especially in my yoga pants. jeez louise.

missing you.

so... i've been noticeably absent lately.

i'm in the middle of this life-reconstructing thing. self-imposed. a decision to spend only as much time on something as that thing deserves. rediscovering the importance of a real journal. with real coffee. and a real homemade scone. yeah, that's important. and also trying my hand at this art of a well-balanced life. it's harder than it seems.
every time i sit down to blog, i think of something else more deserving of my time.
but, now i'm back. from outerspace.
because i've got a few extra hours in my morning and nothing too pressing on the to do list.

this is my new mantra: less selfish, more loving.
i have come to the realization that i am becoming awfully me-centered. and i do mean awfully.
so i'm quitting that selfish business and making the transition to a more loving lifestyle.
i firmly believe (like Mr. Obama) in concrete solutions rather than abstract concepts. it is for this reason that i've picked out some specific things to do each day rather than just say, "ok, i will be more loving today"
this is how i'm going to do it:
1. taking time each morning for myself. this includes - time spent in my journal. in my bible. drinking coffee. smelling lilacs. because if i don't take care of me, i can't take care of anyone else either.
2. being the first to ask "how are you?" genuinely listening. asking more questions about his/her life.
3. making breakfast for my husband. i love breakfast. my husband loves breakfast. this way we can enjoy it together (even if it is 5:00 a.m.)
4. keeping my eyes open for new ways to love. every day. cultivating a sensitivity to the daily needs of others.

that's it for now. love, people.

yoga day

makes my life so much sweeter.

i am beginning to see my flexibility increase, but more importantly balance.

balance has been on my monthly goal list for as long as i've been making monthly goals (which comes to about 3 months)

the ability to separate each piece of my life, view it objectively and designate the time and space deserved. it's not easy.

it's completely against my nature. my mind is so often a roller coaster full of spaghetti mess.

but it is starting to feel good.
it feels good to know i'm making progress.
to begin to see space & organization & objectivity.

also - it gives me an excuse to wear my yoga pants. which are famous. and the most comfortable piece of clothing in the world, probably.

i'll fill you in on the famous pants soon.

ba ba ba ba ba

singing my own little song today.
skipping through all the little things i do.


we're off into another week. the husband has a brutal work schedule & i need to be very good about staying busy. religiously busy.

things to look forward to:

1. a little girl time this evening.
2. spending time in the kitch making something divine, i'm sure.
3. getting all my homework done (is it ok to look forward to this? i'm not sure, but it does feel nice to check things off the to do list)
4. flowers. green. spring. finally!

love without need.

what does it look like?


i've been pondering, puzzled by how to attain
this love without needing
too much
too many
moments.

for time is that which i need
too much.

too many
my needs
for this love.

i want to quiet my heart
to sit still in this love
and be grateful
and silent.

I spent my day in a wheelchair.

I arrived early to interview one of my professors for a class on exceptionalities. He had set out for me my own wheelchair and a pair of gloves. Before I was able to ask any questions, he asked me to wheel into the Office of Disabilities and say hello, and then grab a book from the top shelf on the second floor of the library.
By the time I returned from these nearly impossible tasks, I knew most of my questions were absolutely useless.
I don’t know that he actually answered any of the questions I did ask. He asked questions of me instead. What can you do to help a student in a wheelchair? What can you say?
At the end of the rather unconventional interview, I let the words slip out of my mouth, “Do you think it would be ok if I used the wheelchair for the rest of the day?”
He said ok & my life changed.

I went to my work study, taught at the elementary school, ate lunch and went to class in a wheelchair.

It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.

Physically, it’s exhausting having to rely completely on my arms to get me around, open doors, hold my stuff. I was too short to look over counters, to get a drink of water, to reach the soap in the bathroom. I had to cheat and use my legs to keep from falling over backwards trying to get up the ramps. I scraped my knuckles on doorways which were too tight. And then, as if this were not enough, emotionally and socially, it’s draining. People were constantly staring, asking questions, looking down on me (literally) or just ignoring me. I felt uncomfortable all day.

I couldn’t wait to get out, to return the chair, and get back to “normal”.

I think I started off the day feeling noble, like I was being compassionate and understanding, like I could know what it is like to be in a wheelchair after this experience.
I ended the day feeling like a big jerk. Because at the end of the day, I returned the chair, I stood up and walked outside. And I don’t have any idea what it is like to live in a wheelchair every single day. I don’t have any idea.
At the end of the day, I'm not sure that I learned a neat & tidy lesson like I'd hoped.
I'm not sure I know what to take anything away from this experience other than realizing I don't know what it's like to be in a wheelchair all the time. It's stupid to pretend like I do. And I don't know how to make it better for those that are.

the "once a week cry it out" plan

i tend to get over-worked about most everything. any teensy weensy little baby problem turns into the end of the world when stacked on top of my already mildly stressful life.
due to this rather annoying tendency, i have another tendency - which is to have an emotional break down. on a fairly regular occurrence.
to help ease my darling husband's compassionate mind and for the sake of our darling marriage, i decided to go ahead with the "once a week cry it out" plan.
instead of getting so worked up over little things, i'm going to plan on letting out my frustrations once a week. preferably mondays. i will allow myself to cry out all the problems & mini-traumas which happened and will continue to happen, and then move on with my week.

the most wonderful thing is:

from the very second since i made this little plan, i haven't had the need or desire or even tendency to break down. not even a little bit.

it seems like by just allowing myself to feel the stress, to know it is there, to be ok with letting it out, all of a sudden, i don't need to cry any more.

like the acknowledgment of the pressure was all i needed to release it.

revolutionary, really.

so, for now, i'm going to stick with my "once a week cry it out" plan.
and maybe, just maybe, i can keep the peace.

i love peace.

multitasking

those of you anxiously awaiting to read if i have successfully completed a pull-up... i am sorry to disappoint. negative. failure. definitely not.
it was close... but this isn't horseshoes.

in other spheres of my life,
i am currently eating yogurt, blogging, skimming a chapter i should have read for class today & registering for classes. amazing.

making chana masala & naan for supper tonight & getting so excited for california i can barely stand it.

yesterday i cried listening to ray lamontagne's "you are the best thing" for probably the millionth time. but, it had been a while and it felt really good.

i shifted the couch & the dining room table so they are now sitting at angles in our little rental house. i think it looks lovely.

and my new running shoes should be arriving any day... can't wait to have supportive, cute, non-hole-y kicks!

love the sun. love my pb& j. love love.

california, here we come.

monday - class/teach/work
tuesday - class/teach/work
wednesday - class/teach/work
thursday - class/teach/work
friday - hop on a plane & head for cali.

we're off & running to friday... when jason & i will be going on our honeymoon! hooray! we're staying at a condo just a block from the beach (for free!) & planning on:
a. sleeping.
b. eating loads of delicious vegetarian friendly food.
c. walking around checking out the sights.
d. *cough*cough* well, you know, it is our honeymoon!
e. and repeat.

we are both in desperate need for a vacation & i can't wait to be in a warmer climate with plenty of sunshine & not even a teensy-weensy bit of this muddy, disgusting snow.

let's just hope i can get these 3 papers done & finish out the class/teach/work week strong!

also - big news - yesterday, i went for a run. a real run. outside. it was glorious! and today, i will be attempting a pull-up. i've been working on it for a while & i think today is the day.

wish me luck.

and i wish you loads of luck too - have a wonderful, wonderful week!

p.s. happy spring!

hurdling toward the weekend.

wednesday is whipping by already.

i would love for it to be friday. love.

but, it's not. so, we're going to make the best of the middle-of-the-week-ness. right?
right.

the other night some major changes took place at our humble little abode.

i switched the night stand to the other side of the bed & shifted the bed over about a foot. what commenced when the husband came home was near chaos.
it was pretty comical (in retrospect) how one small, teensy, weensy little thing could erupt into a major reconsideration of our entire lives.
maybe not quite so grand, but close.

so, we couldn't decide what to do. jason needed a place to put his things (i.e. watch, keys, wallet, etc.) but did not want to walk all the way around the bed to put them on the night stand.
i didn't want to move the night stand back because it made the room look so much more inviting in this new spot.
so, we stewed. and mulled. and fairly nearly completely ignored each other until - aha - let's just switch sides. who says the way we've been sleeping since we got married is the only way? so we flip flopped & now problem solved.

aside from the fact i now place my phone, book & glasses on the floor.

moral of the story? i don't really have any idea.

other than - this is the story of our lives. little changes. major considerations. and reconsiderations. molding. mashing. squeezing. fitting. until finding just the right rhythm. for now. until we decide to change it again.

does this make sense to anyone else? living in community, in close relationships, one doesn't automatically fit so perfectly into the mold they hope to. there must be compromise, i think. until one finds what works. for a time. until things change again.

this is perhaps the most difficult, most beautiful dance i know.

on a scale of 1 to 10

how inappropriate is it to take a nap in the commuter lounge on campus? they have pillows... can i take this as an invitation?

monday is back - i swear we were just here! & i'm a bit exhausted...

but we had a stellar weekend:
grandma's house where chef dean cooked up a veggie lasagna & succotash (holy yum)
art gallery open house with free cheese & wine
church + relaxing sunday at home + extreme productivity in the reception planning section of our lives.

so, overall, stellar. i'd say.

today is a busy one, par usual, but i'm looking forward to this week of busy-ness & a fun little par-tay on friday with the faves.
in spite of the fog & fuzzy monday feeling blech, i'm hoping for a great one.

p.s. i can not stop listening to the kings of leon cd. i tried to listen to the new pearl jam on my way to school this morning, but nope, had to switch right back to the good stuff. try it. you'll like it.

here it is

wednesday already. can you believe it?

this week we've had some absolutely stellar menu items:
tofu stir fry with organic noodles & a peanut sauce. mmmm.
beans & rice and the best guacamole we have ever had in our lives.

tonight, jason is on for a double & won't be home, but i've got big plans to bake some whole wheat bread (& try out a cinnamon loaf too).

i love food. can i say this enough?

in other news...
my days are going well, and i have been finding myself enjoying each separate task i do. whether it is a lecture, class discussion, working with non-English speaking kindergarteners, or researching for my professor. i think it's important to be fully in the moment. taking each thing as it comes. i'm just not very good at it.
(sigh) practice.

i know it's going to be a good day when i've woken up early to have coffee with jason before he leaves for work. i have time to get everything i need to get done - accomplished. i get to go to yoga class. then come home & bake. & take a bubble bath. & read finish the 3rd mitford book.

oh, i love my life.

sunny monday

following a sunny sunday - hoping desperately for a wonderful week

yesterday was divine:
early morning wake up & cleaned the kitchen
church
homework - finished!
swimming
and a delicious supper

i have a confession... i think about food non-stop. i mean, all day. when i wake up in the middle of the night. in my dreams. during class. while i drive. it's ridiculous.

most of the time it turns out ok - i create some stellar meals & my husband & i get to eat them. but sometimes it is a serious distraction - like from homework, for example.

but last night we made black bean avocado quesadillas & roasted sweet potatoes seasoned with paprika. topped with salsa. i don't think we spoke during the entire meal except for an occasional "mmmmm!" it was that good.

generally, i don't blog about food. because i saw this book once that said, "no one cares what you had for lunch and other blog advice". but i think about food all the time. and i let my creativity flow and flow in the kitchen. and my blog is sort of about my thoughts. and creativity.

so, i think it's time for a merge. let's do this thing.

success

adventure weekend in omaha was just lovely.
jason's friend was delightful.
the food was divine.
we bought new music. which rocks.
and the penguins were definitely my favorite exhibit at the zoo.
also the sea horses.

on the way home i said to jason, "i can't believe i've lived my whole life without indian food and kings of leon." if i were to write a paper on my weekend, this would be the thesis statement.

unfortunately... the rock hard reality of monday sucked up my whole life and spit it back out again... ending in something of an emotional break down. not good. today is a brand new day. tuesday, hello.

i skipped out on class after all the public schools in the area started closing (more snow days.... really?) and headed for home. the roads were wicked awful, but now i've got some extra time to read, write a paper, relax, and attempt to sort out my roller coaster emotions. blech.

-------------------------------------------------------

i think this is what i'm trying to say: i'm getting lost in the every day.
no continuity.
no consistency.

i need to grab each minute. fill it.
put it back right in its place, now.

just wait.
and breath.

give up your endless quest for control and roll with each
brand new chance sunrise sunset.

alright, i'm Yours.

off for a weekend adventure

we both woke up at 4 a.m. sleeping in seems like a hopeless idea for us rather unfortunate daily early risers. jason was able to catch a few more z's while i zipped about the kitchen making coffee, granola & banana pancakes. mmm.

now, we're going to pack (yes! i love packing! it always means an adventure!) and then, we're off to omaha to visit one of jason's friends - who is wonderfully paying for a hotel room for us & we're going to go out to eat & to the zoo! can you tell how excited i am?!

i love meeting jason's friends. i tend to think jason is the coolest person i know, but apparently he picks friends who are cool too - which is a good situation for me - because i love new friends - especially cool ones.

i have been absolutely desperate for an adventure. so sick of winter and being stuck indoors and in iowa and feeling yucky blucky about my whole life. something new is on the horizon & i just can't wait. i realize much of this is simply my own attitude. which stinks most of the time, i'm afraid. i take for granted the beautiful sunrise over the river & cute little house & good food & music & marvelous husband - gifts of every single day.

hoping a breath of adventurous air cleans out this dusty head of mine and i can see each day for exactly what it is. perfectly new.

current playlist:

in the creation of this post, i have just had the terrible, terrible realization that all of my recent itunes additions have been deleted.

i received a new hard-drive, had all my files transferred, but the new music was supposedly not backed up.

i might cry.

praise the Lord, i just burned a new cd with my favorites. at the very least, we've got the old stand-by for carrying the tunes... one has got to love the reliability of a hard disc holding the music and bringing joy.

1. precious love - james morrison
2. twilight serenade - jason myles goss
3. back to the middle - india arie
4. heart of life - john mayer
5. i'm for you - toby mac
6. let it be me - ray lamontagne (yes. still.)
7. forever - ben harper


that's all i've got for now.

love today.

oh heavenly day

the husband is at work this evening.

and rather than work ahead in the homework department (really - who works ahead?) i decided to spend the entire evening in the kitchen.

and oh my heavenly day, i wish i could give you a basket of the goodness that is currently in there. because Lord knows i've already eaten too much of it!

now, my shirt is probably ruined because i have a chocolate smear all the way across my ta-tas... i have no idea how this happened... & the kitchen is actually filled with smoke... i'm not sure how this happened either... nothing is on fire... BUT you need to see these cookies!

1. they are completely 100% good for you. believe it.
2. they are stinkin' de-lish.

please visit sproutedkitchen.com - this is where all the goodness originated.

oat'nana pucks and chocolate & puffed grain morsels. holy cow.

in other news...
my heart has been stuck in winter. and i'm desperate for spring. sometimes before i crawl out of bed and the sun is shining i pretend the grass is green and it is actually 75 degrees instead of -2.
i think a night in the kitchen is exactly what a pms-ing, winter bird needed.
nothing warms my soul like melty chocolate chips.

off to bed to dream of chocolate & spring.

"the things they carried"

yes. this is my 2nd post of the day.

inspiration struck & i can't help it. also, i don't want to read my intercultural communications textbook. so, here we go.

have you ever thought about the things you carry with you every day?

why do you carry them?

my backpack is getting impossibly heavy. but i will continue to throw more things in there every morning regardless.

1. pink nalgene + gabe dixon band sticker.
2. new pens.
3. mini orange plaid notebook. for personal notes. which i love.
4. wallet. not my cute cigarette case wallet. because that one broke.
5. textbooks only if absolutely necessary. sooo heavy.
6. binder. i have 2 separate binders - 1 for monday/wednesday & 1 for tuesday/thursday. black & white if you please with the new calendar from every so lovely sherbet blossom blog stuck in the front pocket.
7. computadora.
8. ipod. shuffle.
9. food network absolutely super tough food containers w/lunch. today - peanut butter + banana + honey pita pockets & raspberry yogurt. yum.

idea...

I'm not a great photographer. In fact, I kind of stink at it.

But, I've been loving on some blogs lately & have decided I'm going to go ahead and try it out.

So, here's to something new.

I have decided make the attempt to develop my inner artist/blogger/writer & make this blog something worthwhile. I need it to get my thoughts & ideas out and well, I might as well make it pretty to look at, right?

And I'm writing it down, letting you know, so that I won't forget about it. Or give up. Which I am sometimes in the habit of doing.

I think I need some accountability in my life & Lord knows I need a challenge.

Hope you're along for the ride... let's just see how this thing goes.

hanging paper hearts.

valentine's day stinks.

i really usually hate it.

this year, however, a few new developments have... well... developed.
and so, i'm reconsidering my hatred.

a.) i got married. does this mean i can now like valentine's day? or i should like valentine's day?
b.) this winter has been extraordinarily brutal. and i'm grateful for any sort of minor distraction from the arctic tundra outside my window.

i have paper hearts hanging in our dining room. and a pretty vintage table cloth with pink flowers on it.

this weekend, i'm thinking of making some special munchies in the shape of a heart, of course. and purchasing an actual present for my man.

i don't know for sure quite yet... but i think my grinch-like heart of stone toward valentine's day is turning.

making lists

i love to make lists.

of things i have to do.
of things i would like to do.
of things i hope to do someday.
etc.

i currently have in progress a grocery list, a homework list, a to do list & a list of fun & easy valentine's gift ideas for an article i'm writing.

i love smooth, black ink on white paper.
sharp, black letters in a white word document.

i'm trying to write a poem. for the up-coming holiday which i simultaneously hate & love. beginning with a foundation of such strong/mixed feelings creates an interesting environment to write on.

i've got lists of people i need to call. because i've been something of a lousy friend as of late.

and i've got a list of things i so desperately hope i can do someday.

on this list:
- travel europe - the whole entire continent, please.
- publish something. preferably a book of poetry. or something else. i don't know yet.
- be a mom.
- teach English.

that's it for now.

why not?

What five words best describe you? Creative, busy, compassionate, competitive (as much as i hate to admit it) & studious.
What's your proudest achievement? At this point in my life, I'd say sticking with college. It's been a long-ish road & I've considered giving it up at several points in time. It is not in my nature to stay in one place for very long, but I've been trying to remember the great reward of receiving a full degree, the ability to hold a great teaching position which I will be qualified for - and be darn good at!
Who inspires you? Kids. They are just the funniest, warmest, most genuine things on the earth. And my husband. Who is also funny, warm & genuine. :-)
What are you passionate about? Kids. Ha. And literature. Language. Communication. (Good thing I'm headed off to be an English teacher, huh?)
What's the best lesson you've learned? To love unconditionally. I think Jesus taught me this one. And my mom.
Which person, living or dead, would you most like to meet? Hmm...Brother Lawrence - the guy who wrote The Practice of the Presence of God. I think we would get along.
What are you excited about? My husband coming home. Making potato soup tomorrow. Getting into the elementary school & spending some quality time with the kiddos. The books we're going to read in Post-Colonial Lit. this semester.
What's next? Directly - dishes, reading, putting clothes away & bed. In terms of my life in general - finishing school, reevaluating our lives and deciding where to go & what to do.

P.S. The picture of an apple has nothing to do with anything in this post. I just thought it seemed nice.

a theory

had another school day today & lunch with some of my favorite girls at our favorite place. so, life is good.

although january has been kind of a toughie. christy says we should just start the new year over in february and i agree. turning over a new leaf should bring about a certain optimism, i think. a lightness even in the turning. not this time around.

while driving to & from school, i have time to spin ideas around in my head. sometimes the quiet calms my soul. sometimes i think i might be just nuts.

i think this time of year can be a difficult one. not just for me. i think for a lot of people. it causes me to wonder, what keeps some trudging through the every day while others break free? what is the difference? would the same circumstance in different people bring about the same reaction or do the inherent characteristics divide the persevering from the lost?

i have a theory. i think at our very core as human beings, there is integrity. in every man & woman. and when one has grasped the weight of their own goodness, their duty perhaps to strive for what is right, perhaps they gain a glimpse of what is beyond self.

does this make sense?

that we are not alone. all interconnected. and important. and doing something.

although it is difficult to see when one is in the middle of it all...

on occasion, i will say out loud something true. something i have not previously stated to anyone else, but knew without articulating. this happened to me last night. it's a frightening thing, yet freeing. i believe in truth. i believe you know when you strike it. even by accident.

i'm learning again.

just completed my first class of the spring semester. it might be a toughie, but i'm looking forward to a challenge.

speaking of challenges... it took me 15 minutes to walk to class this morning...and so i was late. i hate being late.
crutches + snow + ice = not a good situation.

hoping to be off the dang things by next week. hoorah!

things i'm looking forward to about being back at school:
1. uniq cuisine. yum.
2. access to printers. to print my stuff. on real paper.
3. being surrounded by books.
4. being surrounded by other people learning.
5. bumping into people i know. a small-town girl can miss this when moving to a new city.
6. brand spankin' new mini notebook for assignments, binders, loose leaf paper, shiny folders, rolling ball pens, & mechanical pencils. jason does not understand my fascination with school supplies, but i can't help it. i love them.
7. the library. mmm.
8. and also the coffee shop. double mmm.

tuesday. tuesday.

waking up in pain.
the hole in my heart just aching. missing my husband so much it hurts.
empty house.
getting started. slowly.

busy last day at school.
observing. writing. watching. learning.
great kids.
great teachers.
looking forward to my life-work.

do something. anything.
keep your hands busy.

and the sound of an opening door - i run & it's him.

the goodness of home being exactly where my heart is.

snow day one million.

This is the most bizarre winter i have ever experienced. Global climate change - I'm a believer.

On one hand - I will not be able to fulfill the required amount of hours for my J-term class...

On the other hand - I will be able to be incredibly productive at home today. My mobility on the stupid bum ankle is improving and I'm really really excited about it.

Planning on:
laundry.
cleaning the whole stinkin' house.
writing a 5 page paper.
making a pot o' chili (veggie style).
then, maybe reading a bit.

Over the weekend I was actually able to leave the house, improving my mood/attitude/entire perspective on life tremendously. We went to the step-grandparents-in-law (is this an actual term? i don't know), and it was just lovely! They are really the sweetest people, great conversationalists, and are allowing Jason & I to stay at their condo in Cali. for our honeymoon - yay!
We also went grocery shopping (less exciting on most scales - but i was thrilled none-the-less). Jason & I are transitioning to a more organic/vegan lifestyle. Looking for what is available here in Iowa is definitely making things interesting.

Yesterday, I was able to have one last afternoon with my sister, Kate. She is leaving for NYC to study art for the semester. We ate Mexican w/the fam., watched the Vikings lose, and then cried a little bit. For the Vikings. And each other.

Now, we're starting a new week. I'm determined to persevere & maintain a positive attitude. And love unconditionally. And make some darn good meals sans sour cream & cheese. (Pray for me!)

so. it's saturday.

i'm planning on staying right here on the couch - ankle elevated & iced - reading, napping, cuddling & planning out the next week.

exciting day.

finished 'oscar wao' - on to 'let the great world spin' by colum mccann. jason & i get stuck at the new arrivals shelf every time we go to the library and haven't seemed to make it much past that point as of yet. but, they've got a great selection, so why the heck not? really.

classes start again this week. regular classes, that is. i've spent this month observing/helping out/teaching little bits at the middle school here & have definitely loved it. seventh grade is a tough age - i didn't think i would be able to put up with the flurry of hormones & uncontrolled behavior - but for some weird reason, i really love the kids. they're hilarious. and still get excited about what they're learning. which is a rare thing past 12 or 13 years old.

i've got one kid who offers to walk me out to my car every single day because he's worried i'll slip on the ice with my crutchies (a legitimate fear). he told me the other day as he was walking me past an icy patch that last winter he sprained his ankle & then ended up in a wheelchair because he fell on the ice and broke his other one. i asked him to please not tell me things like that while i'm hobbling on the ice.

well, that's all for now. i'm off to lounge - with the tick tick tick of ice against the window - safe inside. thank you, Jesus.

books

my nerdy husband & i have been addicted to the library as of late - which is a wonderful thing to be addicted to.

we're sifting through literature like nobody's business & loving everyday. an ice storm is currently pelting our windows & i'm praying for a snow day to finish 'the brief, wondrous life of oscar wao' by junot diaz. it took a little while to get into - the language is daunting, but now i'm in the oscar zone & can't tear myself away. i'm surprised i'm even blogging right now. jeez.

recently finished:
'a million miles in a thousand years' - donald miller (& LOVED it)
'no promises in the wind' - irene hunt (with the 7th graders)
'old yeller' - fred gipson (also with the 7th graders)

i started 'two from galilee' by marjorie holmes & 'remember the sweet things' by ellen greene but couldn't finish either one. guess i'm in the mood for something a little more gritty.

--------------------------------
in other news - i went to the doc. & my ankle is sprained. the husband was right (this is his favorite thing for me to say). & i'm on crutches now, but should be walking soon. i hope. because my armpits are starting to hate me.

as for my attitude - it's not easy. sometimes i would love nothing more than to lay in bed & cry all day. but i just can't let myself. there are so many things i can't control - i am choosing to greet each day with a smile. whether i feel like it or not.

klutz. continued.

last night, at the y, i fell.

doing nothing cool, like kicking butt in basketball or playing a vicious game of racquetball. no. nothing cool like that.

i was shooting some hoops on the mini basketball things with the husband & i'm so terrible, my ball went flying out of the little cage. so, i scrambled after it, slipped on a wet bit of slickery floor and down i went.

and sat there on the floor cringing, wincing, flinching in pain until i squeeked out a little "jas" and he came running to my rescue, of course. & carried me, my whole self, all the way out to the car. he is my hero.

today... i've been holed up in the house, hobbling about on one foot because my left ankle is approximately the size of texas. (note - it is amazing how many things i take for granted as a two-footed person. try going up & down stairs on one foot. or putting water in the ice cube tray and bringing it over to the freezer. or getting into the bathtub. jeez. that one was a toughie.)

jason says it's sprained (i think it's broken, but i have a tendency to believe i'm going to die after pretty much any minor accident).

i've been going through a little rough patch as of late & today i decided to get over it. i've been crying and sobbing & i just realized that the only thing i have control of, is my attitude.

everything else is out of my hands.

so, i'm going to laugh & kiss & cook & love, regardless of whatever else comes my way.

a list of favorites.

for the present time

- an unconditionally loving husband - who is strong when i fall to pieces
- sisters
- "better man" - james morrison
- new clicky sharpie pens
- 7th graders - they are hilarious
- coffee (i think this is on any list of favorite things i make. always.)
- plaid reading chairs
- pineapple pizza - on the menu for this evening - mmm mmm
- a million miles in a thousand years - donald miller
- oatmeal - wow - i love it
- carrying a teacher tote - stocked w/extra pens, nalgene, kleenex, tic tacs, granola bar, id, & notebook - i'm not quite sure why, but i think it's fun to carry extra things around with me. just in case.

animal house.

we started volunteering today.

this was jason's idea. not mine. and he's just so darn cute & responsible & cares about the common good & such, that i could not disagree.

so, we woke up before the sun & headed off to people for pets, the local animal shelter. we shoveled poop & mopped up kennels, played with the kitties & walked 2 of the more rambunctious dogs out in the freezing cold.

it was lovely.

we can't wait to go back.

and we saw chili there! chili (named for the freezing cold weather & also what we had for supper the night we met him) lived in our garage for a couple days...
now i am not a cat-lover. in fact, i'm probably a cat-hater.
but, it was so cold and he looked so sad outside. so, i let him in the garage while jason was in the shower, & i made a little bed out of old towels & our recycling boxes & set out some crispex cereal & soy milk (because what cat doesn't love crispex & soy milk?)

but, this was not to last...jason let chili back outside.
and then i let him back in.
and then jason picked him up and carried him outside & said no, we cannot keep him.

one of our neighbors found him later & brought him to the shelter (i, the cat-hater, nearly cried). but, i am happy to say now he is healthy & being cared for by a wonderful staff of volunteers.

looking forward to returning to the animal house - love.

snow day 3.

can you believe it? 3 snow days. this is amazing. i did not even know it was possible to have this much free time.

and i feel like my back is in about 1 million pieces due in large part to the ridiculous spill in the street the other day & also spending 2.5 hours shoveling the snow out of our driveway. (a snow blower is going on my christmas list for next year - i don't care that scooping snow is good, old-fashioned, healthy exercise)

and... excellent news... the husband is snowed in with me! yes!

he made it home in the treacherous weather yesterday, attempted to get to work this morning, but got stuck in a snow drift! hooray! and after some guys pushed him out, he came right back home to me.

we have spent our day reading, drinking coffee, working out (well, he worked out. i watched. ha!) grocery shopping and then making delicious food with our new groceries. my life is so good i cannot even stand it.

tonight on the agenda: movies. popcorn. more cooking. more eating. and a whole lot of cuddling.

i think i am improving on the wifelyness dilemma, if you wish to term it a dilemma. more of a perplexity, as jason likes to say.
i've thought about it quite a bit.
jason & i talked about it for a long time.
and i talked to my mom.
and then i thought about it some more. and i've decided the best idea, is just to be myself. it seems pretty ordinary, but i think it's the thing to do. jason loves me. just ordinary me. so, i think i'm going to work on going back to me.

that's partially why the blogs have started up again with a bit more regularity.
that and all this stinkin' free time. but blogging helps me remember who i am. who i used to be. who i want to become.

i think that's important.

another...

snowed in for yet another full day all to myself.

all this time for self-reflection, you would think i would be growing as a person or something. i'm not sure that i am.

i did manage to fill the time yesterday.
i did not mop.
i didn't feel it was necessary.

but i did go to the y. so, go me.

and i started "a million miles in a thousand years" by donald miller & i might just finish a full book cover to cover for the first time in months. (and i call myself an english major...seriously)

today will be an adventure i think. i'm on a mission to find some black shoes & a black belt. and also shovel the driveway. which at this point looks more like the arctic than iowa.

did i mention i'm an official resident of iowa now? i have license plates & everything. my minnesota heart only cried a little as i screwed them on my little vehicle.

the husband will be home this afternoon (hopefully - i'm praying) & i can't wait.

alrighty, off to battle the arctic!

snow day.

my first day with the kids & we have a snow day...

i'm not quite sure what i'll do with my afternoon/evening...

i've been trying to think of some things to fill in the time

(the hubby is working. the bestie is in jamaica. & roads are not exactly ideal for traveling)

here's what i've got:
1. grocery store. i'm sure i need something.
2. library. i forgot to put the dvd back in the case before i returned it. oops.
3. read?
4. make some more food? like a giant pot of soup & outrageous chocolate chip cookies aren't quite enough for me.
5. ymca. ugh. not in the mood.
6. bubble bath. the pipes are still leaking onto the kitchen floor, but that's what a mop is for - right? oh, that's another thing.
7. mop.

that might fill up a few hours. we'll see!

peace & love & trying to be grateful for so much time on my hands.

klutz.

last night,i fell down the stairs.

this morning, i slipped on the ice in the middle of the street.
and yes, there were cars passing by.
and i lost my shoe.

i am normally a klutz, but the amount of time i've spent on the ground in the last 12 hours seems to be a little extravagant even for me.

in other news:
i begin supervised participation tomorrow - spending the month of january with 7th graders. i can't wait, actually.

we bought a house plant. a philodendron. just in case we were not domestic enough before... it's official now.


i am also having quite the time trying to figure out what exactly i'm doing. or what i'm supposed to do. i'm not very good at this wife thing, i don't think. or maybe it's just that i haven't established what it's going to look like in our relationship. how i'm going to fulfill my role (what does this even mean?), keep my individuality, support my husband, be his partner, his companion, and not his servant girl.
he doesn't even like having a clean house.
which is good news, i think.

ok - well, i'm off - going to continue icing my bruised & swollen hip and ponder the essence of my wifelyness.