a really, really good story

Wednesday, December 23rd 5:00 at Immanuel American Lutheran Church

That's what it said on our wedding invitations.

Well, the blizzard of a quarter century interrupted our plans & we had ourselves a merry little impromptu ceremony at 3:00 in the afternoon in the Dayton House.

The boys set up the tables & chairs while I got ready upstairs with my sisters. Our photographer was unable to make it, so her husband took the pictures instead. Our room was just beautiful & I felt like a princess getting ready. My sister did my hair and makeup while I just waited for 3:00 to roll around. When the time started getting closer, we snapped a few pictures and I told my dad I loved him. I then followed my 3 sisters and walked down the grand staircase to meet Jason.

Only about 21 people surrounded us as we said our vows in the crowded living room. Pastor Margaret was able to make it to Worthington with the marriage license, for which we were very grateful, and she performed a beautiful ceremony. The snow was falling outside and our closest family members watched as we committed our lives to each other.

Afterward, we cracked open a few bottles of Little Swan Lake wine (where we were the night we got engaged), took some family pictures, ate linguine, salad & homemade bread compliments of my parents, and everyone had the place cleaned up by about 6:00, when the real snow was scheduled to start.
They all hurried out the door, while Jason & I were left to be snowed in at the Dayton House for 3 days.

It was more romantic, more perfect, than I could have ever dreamed. I don't even think I could make something up that was this good.

snow day numero dos.

the roommate and i woke up this morning around 6:59 and eagerly checked our e-mails just like kids waiting for presents on Christmas morn.

and Santa delivered!

no school. campus closed. day 2 of the blizzard of '09.

but we did decide the only unfortunate thing about a snow day is that the weather is actually quite terrible and it burns your face to step outside and you cannot even drive to the video store to pick up a Christmas favorite because your car is actually inside a snow drift.

so, we ventured down to the servery wrapped in every item of clothing we own, stole some bagels for snacks later, and are officially caved in. not leaving. until tomorrow.

how exciting!

my goal: finish all the homework i have for the semester so, i won't even have to think about it for the next week. we'll see...

it's a snow day.

big news - they closed the university. they make almost all the students here live on campus and so closing the university is a really big deal. so excited.

this is what i'm doing with my snow day:
- mini ab workout in my room.
- napping.
- reading 'moll flanders'.
- dressing up & going out with my roommates + katie.

not exactly earth-shattering business, i realize, but here at bv we're all thrilled.

as for the rest of my life, here's what's up:
- i am getting married in 15 days. 15 days, people.
- finals week is next week. i may or may not be insane for planning a wedding for the week following finals week, but we're just going to go ahead and do this thing.
- i am also in the process of moving, which people who get married sometimes do. and so i'm packing up my little, lovely, messy dorm room and moving to a real house. crazy business.
- i am also incredibly, amazingly not freaking out.

I don't know how this last point I mentioned is happening, but I am probably more relaxed now as the semester is nearing an end than I have been for the previous two semesters when I was not actually planning a wedding. I think a great portion of this non-freaking-out has to do with I sort of just realized what is important. And what is not.

I don't care if I don't get an A.

I don't care if all the details are perfectly planned out.

I am getting married to the greatest man on the planet (in my humble opinion) and we get to live together. Forever. And I get to hang out with him every single day.

Wow, my life is good!

december!

my absolute favorite month of the entire year.

no doubt about it.

a. Jesus' birthday
b. my birthday
c. snow
d. Christmas lights
e. Christmas cookies
f. Christmas trees
g. and.... the wedding!

the countdown is exactly 3 weeks from today.

holy cow.

i can't wait!

i don't believe i'm the only one

feeling like this.

trying so hard to keep all the plates
spinning. spinning. spinning.
spending time on just one plate to keep in perfect place.

then while you're not looking,
another begins to fall.

how can you keep them all in the air
with a smile on your face?

i honestly doubt i am capable.
i am not a circus performer.

just a girl. living each day. trying to find the balance.

but, maybe that's just it. maybe i'm not supposed to keep all things in place. maybe it's not my job. i think i've overstepped my boundaries on this one.

i think it's time to let some things go to the One who is meant to keep all things in place.

weekend news:

the house is feeling more like a home (and i absolutely can not wait until i get to officially move in as the mrs. in exactly 1 month from today) for the following reasons:

- tried out the washer/dryer. guess what? they work!

- made our first meal (and burnt the first batch of granola) with the dusty burny smell of the stove & a new recipe - mexican pizza. we only have 1 pan. and didn't quite bake the dough long enough, but it was a grand ole time none-the-less at 613 W. 11th st. dancin' in the kitchen & eating off our little end table... life is so sweet.

- bought a new bed & couch.... yippee! (first time ever buying real new nice furniture. so exciting)

- Jason took out the trash. we are not all about traditional gender roles & i'm sure i'll have my fair share of garbage days, but knowing we set out our brand spankin' new trash can on the curb was almost just a little bit fun.

-------------------------------------

just a few short weeks until the wedding.

details are straightening out & i'm so incredibly excited i can hardly stand it.

it's been a whirlwind march - november and now we've got a new life starting. intertwined and stuck with me.
oh, baby. oh, baby.

wild child

mary oliver
chamomile tea in a red mug
red sweater
crisp day

ready for the weekend, but i'm afraid it may
pass by with hours filled
and memories unmade.

Lord, help me to remember that each day is a gift.
Let me wake up ready. Excited. Energetic.
To live one more for you.

because i've got time.

I've got about 1 million things due on Monday... but since it is Thursday I'm still feeling pretty optimistic about being able to get it all done. Life is just skipping along at the speed of... well, something very fast and I can't seem to keep up. But, today I've got a few extra minutes and I don't really want to get back to Gulliver quite yet.

So, here are my mutterings for the day - hoorah!

item #1. Toad's coffee = incredibly eclectic and very odd. quite time-consuming. and i love it. i stopped here this morning for a little caffeine and was pleasantly surprised by the little corner coffee experience. a very nice man named Toad, i think, measured and ground my freshly roasted coffee beans right in front of me and made my cup to order.
item #2. it is difficult for me to express how much i love taking a bath in my own house. it is a really wonderful thing. we're in the process of moving in to our little rental home and the bathtub is my favorite retreat thus far. not that the other rooms aren't lovely... i'm not quite sure what it is that sets the mini bathroom apart, but i like it.
item #3. Gulliver's Travels = pretty dirty the second time around. reading it in college is an entirely different experience. "Master Bates" - how did i not catch on in high school?
item #4. Thanksgiving break can not come soon enough. the to-do list is looming, we're in the middle of moving/wedding planning/pre-marital counseling blissfulness... but add on a full load of classes and a semi-stressful work environment... i might be borderline insane.

101.

i've been noticeably blog-less as of late. and i do apologize.
i've had a feeling of disconnect.
i'm not sure where it came from.
or why.
or what even i am disconnected from.
my fingers from the keyboard, apparently.

but i do know my world sorts out and makes much more sense when i can articulate what is actually going on. when i can type it out. when i can see it on a page.
and my life is no longer a jumble of spaghetti in my brain, but a sensible paragraph. or a poem. or something in the middle.

it's good to be back.

i had considered stopping at 100. ending my little scribbles.
but i think i need to scribble.

maybe not need as in air or water.
but maybe need as in a back massage or chocolate.

does this make sense?

well. it does for me. and that is enough. and i can see my thoughts and jumbles and have scribbled it out and it is enough. enough for me.

100

this is my 100th post.

exciting.

in the beginning, i might say i started this thing as an excuse to talk about myself. everyone loves to talk about themselves.
and i believe i have done quite a lot of it. talking about myself, that is.

but i do love the part about a blog where i can look back and have a clearer picture of who i am. who i was. and who i am becoming.

i was just beginning to figure myself out. enjoying the process of writing it down. taking a moment or a feeling or a bad day and reflecting. making it interesting. a worthwhile story to tell.

these are some things i have learned:
(the education department would be proud - i'm evolving into a reflective practitioner)
-i don't really like commas - except for in places they don't belong, like here,
-i prefer not to use capital letters. i think they're obnoxious.
-sometimes i am funny.
-sometimes i am serious.
-funny posts get more responses - why is this?
-it's ok to be a little vulnerable.

well, to those stopping by, thanks.
i'm really glad you're here.

this is big.

as previously mentioned...
i am "dealing"
i have a tendency to get so wound up, so anxious, so worried. and i just think about all of the things i need to get done, where i need to be, what needs to happen, what could happen. it is ridiculous. and getting out of hand.
but i had a revelation this morning.
maybe not a revelation, but an articulation of something i had recently realized.

i am living my life right now.

radical. i know.
but my life is happening, and i'm just letting it slip by all anxious and worried and forgetting to enjoy and love the moment i'm in.
since Jason proposed, i think, i just sort of recognized this beautiful moment that is right now.
and why should i let it all slip by unnoticed?
i'm engaged to the greatest man on planet earth. i'm learning in a university that i love. i am planning and preparing for a beautiful life, but i'm also living right now.
and i will no longer allow life to simply pass by.

just this morning:
an outfit i feel great in.
rain & soggy leaves smell on my walk to the forum.
freshly painted red fingernails.
oatmeal and cinnamon toast for breakfast.
now hot passion tea in the coffeeshop.

my life is happening right now. and i am loving every second.

confidence

Today, I have to give a mini-lesson for my Methods of Teaching English class.

I picked the topic of poetry to teach on, since it is something I am passionate and enthusiastic about. If only I can exude this passion over my anxiety.

How can I teach when a simple mini-lesson is bringing on sweaty palms?

Turning to the one and only Julie Andrews...seeking the confidence I lack.

"What will this day be like? I wonder.
What will my future be? I wonder.
It could be so exciting to be out in the world, to be free
My heart should be wildly rejoicing
Oh, what's the matter with me?

I've always longed for adventure
To do the things I've never dared
And here I'm facing adventure
Then why am I so scared

Oh, I must stop these doubts, all these worries
If I don't I just know I'll turn back
I must dream of the things I am seeking
I am seeking the courage I lack

The courage to serve them with reliance
Face my mistakes without defiance
Show them I'm worthy
And while I show them
I'll show me

So, let them bring on all their problems
I'll do better than my best
I have confidence they'll put me to the test
But I'll make them see I have confidence in me

Somehow I will impress them
I will be firm but kind
And all those children (Heaven bless them!)
They will look up to me

And mind me with each step I am more certain
Everything will turn out fine
I have confidence the world can all be mine
They'll have to agree I have confidence in me

I have confidence in sunshine
I have confidence in rain
I have confidence that spring will come again
Besides which you see I have confidence in me

Strength doesn't lie in numbers
Strength doesn't lie in wealth
Strength lies in nights of peaceful slumbers
When you wake up -- Wake Up!

It tells me all I trust I lead my heart to
All I trust becomes my own
I have confidence in confidence alone
(Oh help!)

I have confidence in confidence alone
Besides which you see I have confidence in me!"

sloppy seconds.

a little break from wedding planning...
as i am still a full-time student completely immersed in academia.

here's a little sampler for you all in the blogworld. i wrote this for my 'structure and philosophy of american education' course. which i kind of love.

and although it might not have called for it... this passion was suddenly awakened in me as i was writing a simple assignment: my motivation to pursue the teaching profession.

A deep love for learning is what has fueled my desire to teach above all else. The moments in my life, my “aha” moments, have become fodder for the flame to share meaningful learning experiences with students. Many students pass through school without ever having a deep encounter with the material, without recognizing the importance specific content areas may hold in their life. This acceptance of learning as mundane is a tragedy in the current educational system, and I have a deep, possibly naïve, desire to share my passion for writing and literature with high school students. Adolescence is a difficult time, transitional and meaningful in forming identity. I want to tap into the wellspring of passion and enthusiasm and attempt to direct students toward a lifestyle of learning and of loving language as a means of communicating and connecting with other individuals.
As a student myself, I have cultivated my love for learning and passion for literature over the course of several years. I am studying at a university devoted to teaching and learning and feel I am being prepared in a program set up to develop the best teachers possible. I began with the foundation of a love for learning, and am now building a structure of knowledge, classroom experience, strategies and theory. As I practice and move forward in my teaching career, I hold a firm belief in connecting with those with more wisdom and experience than I possess. By asking questions, taking advice, communicating with others in the field and reading recent research I will continue to develop as a teacher. I do not believe in achieving a static measure of success. I want to continually grow and learn, teaching and interacting with my students in new and meaningful ways.
In spite of my conviction to share a passion for learning and literature in addition to participation in a quality teacher education program, I recognize the overwhelming evidence of the difficulty of the teaching profession and decrease in teacher retention for K-12 classrooms. In a recent survey by NCEI, researchers found 4 out of 10 teachers as likely to leave teaching in a K-12 classroom within the next five years. As I have realized the tendency of teachers to leave the profession, I have affirmed the commitment to teaching. Teaching is undoubtedly difficult; school days are long and tedious. Disrespect and poor working conditions in addition to low salary are all legitimate reasons for leaving the teaching profession. But, I have made a decision based on personal convictions and devoted precious time, energy and money to the development of my knowledge and experience as a teacher. I recognize the evidence and choose to work to overcome obstacles that may come and persist in the profession.

dreaming.

my mind has been flooded with beautiful images, ideas, dreams for our wedding day.

here are a few things i love:



j. crew dresses



lilac bouquets



old fashioned photo booth pictures



champagne colored bridesmaids' dresses



tandem bicycles



old, white cars

wowowowow.

Jason asked me to marry him Saturday night, and I said yes.

Well... first I said are you kidding me?! And then I cried. And then I said yes.

I know you'll want the whole story and this week is going to be psychotic because believe it or not, I did no homework this weekend. So here's the story, morning glories.

I drove down to see Jason in the afternoon, and we went to Little Swan Lake Winery - one of our favorite places. We tested out some wine, bought a few bottles and then headed back to the lakes. On the way back into town he said, "Let's go this way. We never go this way." and I said, "Ok." And so we went to the Elinor Bedell State Park and it was so beautiful out, so we walked around a little bit. And then I said, "Ooo, we should go explore down these steps. I always feel like there's something exciting about stairs you can't see the bottom to." So we walked down this beautiful path, with purple flowers all around and the sun was setting and the lake was still and lovely. And we sat down on these cute little stone benches overlooking the lake and this bridge. And he just kept looking at me and looking at me and looking at me...And I was getting really uncomfortable... And I didn't know what to say or do...Trying to think of something witty to say to fill in the silence...And then he grabbed both of my hands and said, "Christina Buesing......" (More silence and looking) ".......Will you marry me?" And then I thought he was kidding, but he was serious and I cried and hugged him and wouldn't let go and cried and kissed him and asked if he was kidding again, but he wasn't.

--------------------------------------

This blog, in case you haven't noticed, rather than following any sort of concrete format or distinct theme, is more of a notebook. A journal for my thoughts. And as my life continues to change, so does my train of thought.

I hope you don't mind.

Random. Miscellany. Love.

the monarch

As part of this "dealing" process, which I mentioned in earlier posts, I have been meeting with a counselor at school. Yesterday we talked and she mentioned trying to "live in the moment". To embrace each event as it happens and use all five senses to fully experience the current environment - a marvelous idea, I said.

I left feeling lighter and walked with an awareness of my surroundings, the blue sky, the birds and falling leaves. My eyes caught a beautiful monarch flitting among the trees, and I watched it float as I continued walking down the sidewalk. The brakes of a passing semi-truck distracted my peaceful "in the moment" walk, and to my horror, the butterfly was viciously sucked into the gnashing teeth of the truck's metal grill.

I would love to put some lovely cliché here, explicit and direct, a perfect parallel of some real life trauma or virtue or ideology.

Instead, I just continued to walk, the heaviness over my heart returned and I drove home to the funeral.

in ENGL 300

scribbled on a scratch of notebook paper

years built on a cracked foundation -
crumbling now.
how
can i
keep it all
tidy. neat.
without the ground beneath me

dealing.

perhaps the postings to follow will reveal more of my fragile heart than usual.

i need an outlet. a release.

i'm beginning to deal.

traditionally, i'm a stuffer. a turtle.
i shove it all inside and try to forget it exists.

but i can no longer stuff and shove and hide inside my shell.

or i really will die. (see previous posts)

so, all i'm saying actually, is that things might get messy.

a rough week ahead. but with a merciful God, a restful weekend, an amazing boyfriend, friends surrounding and family soon, i think i'm going to make it.

update:

I'M ALIVE!

rarely do i feel the need for all caps. but the second i woke up this morning... i hyperventilated a little bit, took a deep breath and said, "YES! THANK YOU JESUS - I'M ALIVE!"

seeing the light

I realize this might be the most cliché phrase in the history of the English language, but I know no other words to describe what happened last night.

Let me begin a few weeks earlier. I had a dream I was living in a beautiful old house with lovely wood floors, soft lighting, a crackling fireplace and a dog cozied on the rug. I opened the door to Christmas Eve and welcomed my family into my home. Aunts and uncles whom had long since passed away were youthful and healthy and I hugged them as they came inside. As I ushered relatives indoors, it started snowing softly beneath the streetlights and I could see the waves of an ocean in the distance. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever beheld. I woke up in tears, overwhelmed by the beauty of it all.

Last night, I finished my homework and shut off the lights, crawled under the covers and quickly fell asleep. I dreamt I was in a beautiful old house and saw my great-grandparents in the room, whom have been deceased for quite some time. I rushed over and embraced the two of them and as I did, I was lifted off the ground. Light surrounded me, there was no up, no down. It felt as though I had been lifted into a sunrise, blinding light, but warm and soft and beautiful. As I was dreaming, I felt a gentle presence nearing and I began to say the name of Jesus. Just as I did, my boyfriend woke me up in a panic because I was crying in my sleep, about to scream.

I kept crying for some time, just simply overwhelmed. I have never had a dream so vivid and clear, nor so weighty. I was suddenly aware of how brief my life could be and remembered someone telling me once, "If you die in your dream, you are dead in real life." I have no idea of the truth of this statement, but I was/still am certainly freaked out.

I couldn't fall back asleep, and was consumed by the dream. I drove back to school, ate breakfast, went to class, worked for my professor, all with the overwhelming clarity that this could very well be my last day on Earth. But, what else was I to do? Go to Disneyland? I had to eat. Go to class. And work. And still do.

I saw the campus chaplain in the hallway on my way to the mail room and practically accosted him, the poor man. I said, "I had a dream last night, I died. Or was dying. And right when I was about to see Jesus I woke up. Am I going to die? I don't think I can ever sleep again." (I was still a little overwhelmed.)

He very calmly explained how common these dreams can be and recommended I take time each night to relax, reflect and process the events of the day. Turn everything off. Sit in silence. Be quiet.

This is all so very recent. I just needed to get it out, I guess. I am still a afraid, although I have never had a specific fear of death. I don't know where this came from. I don't know why. I...just don't know.

grateful.

The gift of another day.
I'm grateful. And humbled & filled with remorse for forgetting.
The thousands of other days and gifts.

The sun comes up. The lakes and rivers are filled. The earth is green and life is sustained.
But not just a sustained life have You given. An abundant life!
Overflowing.
The tears fill my eyes as I realize
the gifts I've forgotten.

A day of peace.
To read & relax.
A refuge.
The one I love coming home.
And home is here with me.
For a friend who knows me so well. And accepts me still.
For poetry. The Psalms.

For the squirrels & the flowers & the birds faithfully singing Your praise.
Regardless of who is listening.
Of who notices.
They continue to sing; the trees point to You.

And I have been given a glimpse.
A glimpse of the daily symphony I forget to listen to.

Today, I sing.

current loves:

. "the sirens of titan" fulfilling my dark novel desires
. the sound of acorns hitting the roof
. lonely rainy days
. mary oliver
. hooker red nail polish
. time to write
. running until the road runs out
. hummus
. shawn mcdonald
. late night philosophy & religion discussions
. cribbage
. jazz
. black eyeliner - more than usual

------------------------------

a strange mood today. lonely & bored. but exceedingly grateful for it.
it is rare that i am either of these.

agenda: maybe study.
(this means i will read poetry)
paint my nails.
find new music.
wait for my man to come home from work.

that's it. hate to be overzealous.

last published june 23rd.

oh my word.

or lack thereof.

terribly sorry to all of you blog readers (jason & christy)

but i've been utterly blogless for nearly literally months.

a summer camp has stolen my time, for which i am eternally thankful.

learning to live completely immersed in a cramped cabin with girls ranging from 3rd grade to seniors in high school, preparing for college. realizing the vast differences between individuals of varying ages, family situations, and personalities, yet somehow finding even more true that which we all share. and discovering a love so ethereal, overflowing with a desire to know and relate and above all else: love.


pressing on toward what's ahead:

i'm delighting in every single day. my man invited me to spend the weeks before school at his parent's lake home and so here i am, sleeping in, spoiled by delicious breakfasts, tanning on the dock, swimming, running, reading in the hammock. it is absolutely lovely.
school will start soon. i am looking forward to the excitement. to the hurry of students & professors in their thirst for learning. finding old friends and meeting some new ones. walking to class with leaves falling and the smell of brand new books. mmm... i do belong in a school.
i've got my suitcase filled with fresh memories of summer, brimming with gratitude & humility for i have been given the best. summer. ever.

(photo compliments of ashton nelson - edited by me)

a new playlist.

these are the current summer faves:

With You, Tonight - Matt Wertz
Wink & a Smile - Harry Connick Jr.
Love Me Tender - Adam Levy/Norah Jones
Beautiful - India Arie
Can't Help Falling in Love - Ingrid Michaelson
You Make Me Smile - Nathan Clark George
Disappear - Gabe Dixon Band
Angel - Jack Johnson
Security - Joss Stone
Your Eyes - Ari Herstand
Love Today - Mika
I Will Possess Your Heart - Deathcab

nothing too new... just loving some oldies.

relying on words.

i love language.
i love to wield words into exactly the form i wish them to take and create a new combination, a different description, something that fits.

but, lately, i've felt words leave me wanting...

like there is more to be said. more to be written. but the language is lacking.

to compartmentalize and generalize and minimize ideas too grand to be grasped into a structure unfit to hold such weight.

even this does not make sense.

too much time spent within my own head, i think.

when i am overwhelmed, filled with emotion, i whip out my pen and begin to write. i need a release, a way to make sense of what's going on, a method, a plan, just to see my life in words. most often, i write the best stuff when i am overflowing with anger or angst; even elation can bring about a new way of writing.

not today.
not lately.

words just leave me wanting.

agree to disagree

i feel like this has been a theme in my relationships lately...
learning how to get past disagreements and still uphold respect and understanding.

as in most everything, there is a balance.
a balance between listening respectfully and voicing an opinion.
between introducing a new point of view and keeping your mouth shut.

how do you know when is the right time to speak up? and when to be quiet?

i'm not sure. i think i'm still learning.

relationships are messy.

but this i do know...
what is life without the joy, the heartache, the mess of relationships?

nada.

confessions.

the word "confessions" stirs within me a yearning to know more - almost instantly i feel i need to read on. or listen. whichever. it just sounded like fun today to send these little somethings out into the void. it's refreshing to feel vulnerable from time to time.

these are mine for today:

1. i may or may not have acquired an addiction to running.
2. and also...coffee. i am an absolute beast until i have 2 cups pumping through my bloodstream.
3. i cry all the time. at least once a day. it is only 11:06 am and i already shed a few simply because i heard a song entitled, "you make me smile".
4. i am in love with my own handwriting. conceited as it may be. sometimes i write things just to watch my pen form tidy little words all looped and swirled together.
5. i am a complete klutz. today i broke a giant serving platter. shattered all over the floor and had to throw away all of the apple slices that were once deliciously placed upon this serving platter.

well i need to be back in the kitchen in negative 1 minute... i'm sure i'll find more to confess later.

run.

i've never gone this far
my legs carried me
pumping blood and pounding and floating by
i forgot what i was doing and just ran

a horse ran beside me
this is true

and i finished so fast
like a kid
on the way to the greatest thing in the world.

"no matter what you pay"

working at camp this summer...
the pay is not exactly ideal.
but i don't think i'd trade it for anything.
where else is doing the dishes actually fun?

i've been spending my days mopping floors, making potato salad & giant batches of granola, reminiscing, filling/being filled in on new news, and singing plenty of show tunes (with revised lyrics).

no longer am i dwelling on 8 page papers due tomorrow and overdue library books.
grades are in. books are sold. my brain is on break.

and i love it!

however....
there are a few things i miss.
they are as follows:
my roommates.
my soulmate.
my boyfriend.
my professors. (weird, i know)
the kids at work.
my housekeeper.

i guess that's all. and none of those are actually "things". all people.
i love my people.

messy.

i moved home for a few weeks this summer.
between school ending and the summer job beginning, i had some time to kill.
and no money to burn.

my home is messy.
i have 3 younger sisters here putting on make-up, cooking breakfast, showering, blow-drying, changing 16 times, all at the same time.
my mom runs an at-home day care.
every day is chaos.

and despite my tidy tendencies...
i still love it.

there is no substitute.
nothing can compare.

to a great big love in the midst of a mess.

bittersweet soundbyte.

not quite a symphony.

as i left school for the semester and made my way toward summer, i started to cry. which is not a big surprise, i seem to cry all the time as of late. but, i thought it strange regardless, because generally, as students break free for summer vacation, tears are not part of the scene. (unless it's 'high school musical')
so, i was driving along, and it suddenly hit me. almost a literal strike:
i have had the best year of my life thus far.
and as i left, i realized the next year, although at the same school, will not be the same. not the same first time experiences. not the same roommates. not the same group of girls. not the same first dates. learning professors' methods. not the same class schedule stocked with lit. classes. the same room overlooking the pretty trees and sidewalk.
and i was filled with the memories of the past year: who i've met, what i've learned and how i've changed.
although, i'm incredibly excited to start the summer and get my tan on. i can't help feeling a little sad for the semesters i'm leaving behind.
but, i'm not one to dwell. i think it's best to savor the past and look forward to the future, but always live in the moment.
so here i go. remembering the best year. ever. loving my fresh bakery donut and coffee for breakfast. and can't wait to see what's next.

it's been ages...

and i apologize.

update:
finished school for the semester. off to summer vacation. and i feel really good about that.
camping trip = pure bliss.
currently, cooped up in my little sister's room. she loves to talk. not quite so blissful, but entertaining. and free.

__________________________
Now, for the real blogging. With real sentences. Almost.

I have this theory, which was recently shot down by someone smarter than I am, but I prefer to believe regardless. I believe if one spends enough time outdoors, they could never be unhappy. Now, I realize some people are determined to be pessimists. And I realize some work done outdoors is not exactly pleasant (cleaning up roadkill for example). But, I am choosing to believe nature is where we were meant to be. And when we step outside of the noise and florescent lighting and air conditioning and just embrace the great outdoors, how could you not let all negativity slip away? It's beautiful. Go run around. Breathe. Release.

I think a great part of this theory is my choice, to just believe that happiness is as tangible as a wild flower you don't know the name of. And as clear as a bright blue sky.

"I have to tell you something. I cannot help being happy. I’ve struggled against it but to no good. Apart from an odd five minutes here and there, I have been happy all my life. There is, I am well aware, no virtue whatever in this. It results from a combination of heredity, health, good fortune, and shallow intellect." -Arthur Marshall

Midwest Girl

As much as I would like to think I am not... I really am a Midwest girl. Down to the very soles of my shoes (which happen to be mud-caked Nike's from high school). I love to watch the seasons change and survey the shifting landscape. To judge the height of the corn by my legs and give in to the excitement of the constant growth around me. I love the lilacs in spring, wild in abandoned farm places. I love kids on bikes racing on a gravel road. I love farmers in their trucks and faithful dogs by their side. I love that a pot of coffee shared between neighbors is a priority. I love feeling comfortable just walking in the back door. And sitting on the porch, watching the sun go down between black trees and the outlines of barns and silos.

"What I Learned"

In Literary Theory today, we discussed what we learned over the course of the semester. We each needed to pick out something that stood out to us, that we will remember, or perhaps that changed our perspective. As cliche as it may be, I generally think it's a worthwhile exercise.
Although it is difficult for me to pick out the one thing that impressed me the most, I mentioned the importance of effectively using my words. We have done a survey of theories with a wide range of meaning socially and textually, but critically considering the works of others has brought me back to think critically of my own language. Whether in speech or in writing, I desire to effectively convey my meaning, and use language responsibly.
I love the end of a semester. I love looking back on the material covered and knowing I have gleaned more than just a ratty text book and limited sleep. To be able to take the things I have learned and use them in my chosen career path, as well as every day life, I would say is definitely a semester well-spent.

mid-chaos.

linguistics presentation. check. rocked that.
lit. theory rough draft...didn't quite get that started.
shakespeare monologue coming up in 38 minutes. i think i'm ready.
then later today it is study study study for my linguistics final tomorrow and quickly put together my portfolio for reading in the content area.

i do love being in school.
i love that i can learn all day every day about my favorite things.
i do not, however, love hell week.

next week - finals week. which will be better, actually.
i might get to see my dad.
packing up all of my belongings.
a little bit more relaxed schedule.
saying good bye to my best friends for the summer.
i'm not sure how i will survive without you.

but i am incredibly excited for a camping trip i have planned for next week. finally, an escape. and some adventure. possibly a little romance? i think, yes. it will be quite nice.

these are a few of my favorite things. continued.

in an attempt to get rid of this starting the week sadness...

here are a few more favorites:
(who says money can't buy happiness?)

Sharpie pens.
Envia shampoo & conditioner.
Mocha m&m's.
Burt's Bee's pomegranate lip balm.
Eight O'Clock coffee.
Asics.
Crest whitening toothpaste with Scope.
Glamour magazine.
Citizen Eco-Drive watch.
Oohey Goohey Peanut Butter Chocolate Cake from Bozwellz.
Japanese Cherry Blossom fragrance from Bath & Body.
Nalgene. Pink.

sunday night blues.

as i watch the sky turns from bright blue to dark and gray...
and the tears inevitably come.

wishing the weekend would never end.
days full of favorites and sunshine.
carefree.
walking.
laughing.
lazy.
just to be next to you.

already missing the part of my life that leaves a hole in my chest all week long.
a tight fist gripping.
pain impairs any attempt at a deep breath.

when monday morning comes,
there's no looking back.
just work and think and run.

but sunday nights...
i can't help but cry.
every single time.
just letting the tears stream down my cheeks.
determined to make it through this week.

(painting 'night window' by ian darragh)

happy weekend.

finished the race faster than i thought i could.
spent the day with my favorites.
ate massive amounts of chocolate and did not feel one teensy bit of remorse.
shrimp cocktail and champagne for brunch.
sister time.
beautiful day.

my life is good.

now on to this week...
which is looking hellish.
i'm locked in my usual hiding place in the library looking at my to do list:
lit. theory paper due.
reading portfolio due.
linguistics presentation.
linguistics final.
young adult literature - two books left.
shakespeare monologue performance.
and a full week of work.

but i am still determined to finish well.
i think i can.
i think i can.
i think i can.

spontaneous.

spending my friday night waiting...

which is kind of the story of my life. many many days have been spent just waiting...

i'm waiting for my sister to arrive.
she's 16.
her first big girl road trip all on her own.
it's a little scary for me to imagine my little bitty sister driving herself 2 hours alone.

woah. joshua radin just blessed my life and popped up on pandora.com. if you have not heard him...'we are ok'. go. now.

i'm reading 'gossip girl' for a lit theory paper. i'm attempting to write a cultural/feminist analysis... i want to pull my hair out.

tomorrow's the race day. wish me luck. i realized i haven't run a 5k since high school... and then i got nervous.

i've been trying to write a poem for days. i'm stuck. the words won't flow and i can't make them make sense. it won't get out of my head. sometimes poems jump out in minutes and i will never think of them again. they are finished. this one just keeps swirling through my brain and never pausing long enough for me to articulate exactly what i need.

ok...back to work. just needed to let out some minor frustrations, i guess.

a quickie.

(summertime blues from photographyblog.com)

12 minutes before work.
we'll just see what words come out...

i've been spending an extraordinary amount of time outdoors lately.
which i love love love.
walking. running. playing.

i have a race coming up on saturday. a 5k.
which i'm totally stoked about.
i'm excited to run fast.

only one more full week of classes left.
i'm determined to finish well.
complete every assignment.
do all the reading (hopefully).
study hard.
write eloquently. intelligently.
the grades aren't my number one concern... i just need to feel as though i finished to the best of my ability. not holding anything back. but giving all i could.

and then... on to the future.
camping
counseling
cooking
traveling?
fireworks
a tan
squeezing every bit of goodness out of this summer.

cinco de mayo.

i love the feeling of complete surprise when you amaze even yourself.

sometimes i lose sight of who i am. who i profess to be. who i desire to become.
and i get mad. and angry and dare i say bitchy.
and i know that's not me.
and i have to take a step back and reevaluate and take some time to listen to my soul.

but sometimes...i go beyond what i think i can do.
and i stretch myself.
and grow.
and become better than i thought i could be.

oh, humanity.

today is a busy day. i'm not exactly looking forward to the running around like a crazy person part...but i know at the end of the day i'll be falling asleep with a smile on my face once again. so that is good news.
schedule:
work
class
work
volunteer
class
work
salsa dancing

so i'm staying on the side of the glass half-full and i'll make it through today because i know this is the good life.

sunday morning.

sleeping in on sunday
covered in sheets
and sunlight blankets
around us
your arms around me
hiding
and holding close
butterfly eyes open
almost.

to run.

getting started is the hardest part.

putting on my tennis shoes, i groan.
i really just don't want to go.
it's rainy.
it's windy.
i should just take a break.
just wait until tomorrow.
then some tiny piece of me overcomes my quitter tendencies and kicks my butt out the door. and i'm off.

that first mile, i want to give up.
just quit.
my shins hurt.
i'm breathing heavy already.
i think i'm cramping up.
just quit.

but now i know getting started is the hardest part.
and i know once i get past that first mile, i'm going to be just fine.
i'm not going to die.
i'm actually going to feel more alive than i have all day.

and when i'm finished, sweat pouring down my neck and breathing hard and wobbling legs, i love it.

and i tuck that piece, the sweat and smile, back into my brain and save it for the next rainy day.

"do a little more each day than you think you can do."

What to do with my life: Learn.

3/3

I want to be always searching.
Always looking.
Always learning.

I never want to be static - to feel like I've arrived at this source of all knowledge, like I know it all and can just stop now.
The more I know, I realize how much there is still to learn.
And I want that sense of wonder, awe, and respect for others more knowledgeable than myself to continue throughout my entire life.

Choosing an occupation in education, I believe it is imperative to realize how far I am from knowing it all. I want to be able to change my views, my attitudes, my perspective. I want to realize I'm wrong. And change.

I want to be always growing.

What to do with my life: Love.

2/3

If I had the world stacked up before me, and all things were within my grasp, if all the wealth were mine, all the friends, I could do whatever I pleased and go wherever I wished, I would still have nothing. Nothing. Without love.

It is all vain. It is empty. It is meaningless.

I have learned, through poverty and pain, through despair and depression, through euphoria and ecstasy, through happiness and honor, that love is what remains. As friendships come and go, as my bank account fluctuates, as I move from city to city, I've got a stash of love within my soul, held safe, to give and take.

"Love is all you need."
True story.

What to do with my life: Teach.

part 1 of a 3 part series.

Recently, I had a revelation. I had spent a significant amount of time intentionally thinking, meditating, deciding, what were the most important things in my life. What are the essentials? What things are good, but unnecessary? What things are just taking up space and need to be left out?
My life can get crazy busy without my consent and soon I will realize I'm alone at 2:00 am wondering where my day, my energy, my life has gone.
And it hit me one morning, I need a purpose. A definite, unique, tangible, voiced direction for my life. I wanted to sift through the stuff consuming my days and retain what is imperative, and lose the unimportant. Almost instantaneously, three words came to mind: teaching, loving, learning.
Above all else, these are things I was made to do.
I haven't always believed I should teach; in high school, I was repulsed by the idea. But after a similar assessment of the direction of my life a few years ago, I realized there is nothing else I would rather do, that I would enjoy as much, and that fit my character. I love the challenge of giving students of any age power, independence, a voice through education. I love the idea of inspiration, stemming from a new perspective. And I love to watch the growth which comes from a mind that is stretched and encouraged and a heart that is passionate.
My abilities, my ideas, my creativity, are perfectly fit within my passion.
Wherever I go, whatever I do, I want a primary focus of my life to be teaching.

these are a few of my favorite things.

pandora.com
campfire + losing electricity + an almost burnt marshmallow
bandaid-ing a skinned knee. taking away the hurt. practicing motherhood.
peanut butter on wheat toast.
the smell of dirt.
intentionally boycotting homework.
high heels.
learning something new.
art.
uncontrollable smiles.
cinnamon scones.
international phone calls.
best friend(s).
finding the perfect spot. fitting right beside the one who makes you happy.
fridays.

(artwork by andy davis)

an early morning.

i have no excuse.
no reason to be up this early.
other than my absolute love for coffee.
and wicked sleep pattern only allowing me minimal sleep.

but this is what i love about an early morning...

I love that when I open my eyes and my alarm has yet to ring, I can snuggle back in the mountain of down and cotton and watch the light filter slowly into my room. I love the blue grey soft welcome covering the room, a nearly magical "hello, you" perfect color for a not quite coherent sleepy head.
I love to make a list in my head of the things to do today - what I'm looking forward to, what I'm going to get accomplished. Nothing has happened yet. I haven't screwed up. I can cling to a positive perspective until my toes touch the ground and I will inevitably snap back to reality. I love the quiet.
Then, I go. Dream girl hits the floor. Just slip on off my lofted bed and foggily find my coffee cup. I love opening the bag of coffee grounds and that first breath of caffeinated goodness, snap open my eyes.
Mmm. Cheers to you, Mr. Morning.

bored.

discontent is stirring
reeking havoc
destroying coursing
through my soul

stuck

in the mundane
middle
forget that tunnel
where's this light you speak of?

how i feel about mondays.

a little sad the weekend is over.
not too excited to start my mundane existence once again.
my days are defined by: work. class. work. homework.
somehow still anxiously anticipating what the week will hold.
my eternally optimistic heart looking forward to something exciting.
something new.
something fairy tale-esque.

i just can't help it.

happy days.

saturday. what a day.
groovin' all week with you.
these days are all
happy and free.
those happy days.
these days are all
share them with me.
those happy days.

happy saturday all.

no class. no work.
just me and my own time management techniques and to do list.

today...
waking up early.
kashi and coffee.
write a paper.
read.
read.
read.
paint my nails.
clean.
and a lazy, rainy saturday afternoon with my man.
top it with a musical.
and that sounds like a happy day, indeed.

growing up, i never had saturdays off. my dad is in the restaurant business and i think i worked nearly every saturday from age 4 to 20. except prom. he let me have prom off.

now that i'm at school, i have my nights and weekends off and oh, what a life!
i never knew it could be like this - going to bed at a decent hour, waking up feeling refreshed and not smelling at all like barbeque sauce and booze.

my new philosophy on what saturdays were made for:
crossing things off the proverbial to do list.
adding a few favorite things. and making time to actually do them.
i.e. sitting at a coffee shop or riding your bike.
a slower pace.
seeing your favorite people.
listening to your favorite songs as many times as you want.
dancing a little.
loving a lot.

finally.

andy warhol. flowers.

a few extra minutes.
and i'm using them to blog.

the semester is on its downward slide.
papers due. an overwhelming heap of reading to be done.
take-home tests and memorized definitions define my life.

please know i'm not complaining.
this has been arguably the best year of my life.
i realize it's oh so cliche to say such a thing.
but i don't remember ever being so happy in my 22 years as i am right now.

why:
i made the decision to be here. on my own.
i don't have to share my toothpaste with anyone.
i have learned an incredible amount about myself. and the english language.
i am proud of the work i've done.
i have learned how to deal with 2nd graders. and disrespect.
my professors care about me.
i met my best friend.
i've developed my own theories. philosophies. ideas. perspective.
i realized i actually do love poetry.
i live on a lake.
i found out i am capable of running 4 miles without dying.
i'm not afraid to speak out in class.

i'm ok with who i'm turning out to be.


it might sound like i'm bragging. and i might be. but when you know you're living in the best time of your life thus far...it's hard not to celebrate.
my life has rarely gone as i would have expected. and i'm so glad.
i know i would have never made it to where i am right now, without having been were i was before.

thank you Jesus, for holding this life in your hands.
for having a plan.
for holding me through the darkness.
and giving me the hope to make it til morning.
for unconditional love.
for giving me this sweet gift.
abundant life.

reunited.

hug for minutes.
share our stories.
cute shoes & a flirty waiter.
strongbow & fries. mmmm.
back in sweats.
the women.
clean sheets & comfy pillows.
wake up to cinnamon scones (homemade).
french press coffee.
just sit and talk for hours straight.
sunshine and the warmth of a friendship lasting forever.
off to the mall.
with ray lamontagne.
a perfect outfit.
cookie dough blizzard.
and rush off to get ready.
you look amazing.
i love you.
and i'm so glad our lives didn't end up like our 8th grade dreams.

live it up, girl. these are the days we'll wish for when we're covered in kids and breast milk, parent-teacher conferences, moody husbands and mini vans that smell like dirty diapers.

patchwork.

one of the things i love about blogging...
is that i can look back and find pieces of myself that i might have forgotten.
when i lose myself...and can't decide what to do...or who to be...
all i need to do is dig through my archives (limited though they may be)
and find pieces of my soul. my mind. my heart.
all fitting together.
a mismatched creation.
a patchwork quilt.
of me.

a severe mercy

i'm reading "a severe mercy" by sheldon vanauken. again. i woke up this morning and i remembered their love story and i just needed to read it, to experience it along with my own, today. if you haven't read it... it is the most amazing (true) story of a love so real. so perfect...

"to hold her in my arms against the twilight and be her comrade for ever - this was all i wanted so long as my life should last...and this, i told myself with a kind of wonder, this was what love was: this consecration, this curious uplifting, this sudden inexplicable joy, and this intolerable pain."

dreaming of adventure...

stuck in the mid-semester workload
homework mundane
everyday droning on similar to the last

this is not to say my life is completely dull
i have a great life
i love my life

but...i'm getting tired of the same scene
same same same

i'm beginning to think about how far i could go
where i could hide
relax
refresh
recharge

dreaming of adventure...
soon please

crying in the library.

back in my corner.
listening to shawn mcdonald.
my God. my life. so good.

take my hand.
on You i want to stand.
i cannot do it on my own.
i need You.

i love today.

i love that i have a full day of nothing i really HAVE to do.
my to do list is my own.
sometimes... when i know i don't necessarily have to be anywhere for a specific amount of time... i think about how far i could travel and still make it back in time.
does anyone else do this?
for example: i do not have to be anywhere until monday morning, 7 am. right now, it's 10:20 saturday am. i could probably make it to chicago or duluth no problem.
but, i probably won't. i just like to play with the idea.
so, i'm actually really intending on...
1. painting my nails.
2. laundry.
3. cleaning the lounge.
4. having coffee with christy simultaneously doing some homework and talking about the most important things in our lives.
5. running a few miles.
6. getting ready for my hot date.
7. going out for thai food and drinks at lake ave.
8. falling asleep with a smile on my face. again.

a maze me.

all in the name of april.
happy poetry month.
this book is a stellar read.
so pick it up.
find your sisters.
and give some of your time.

outsider.

white mustang reinventing rolling
no now flying high
led zeppelin painting rainbows
a screaming swirling sky

a roller coaster bring me down
deep within my soul
a perfect peace this harmony
its how we hippies roll

all the difference.

Beware: April Fools Day at an Elementary School might be one of the scariest things known to mankind.
7 o'clock am rolls around and I head to school to hang out with 2nd-4th graders until their classes start.
Always an adventure, but today more than usual.
Kids were crazy - running around the classroom, hiding under desks, yelling out blatant lies and then screaming 'April Fools!'

When school finally began and I could sneak out of the nightmare...
One of the 2nd graders with whom we've had quite a bit of trouble this year walks up to me and gives me a great big hug.
"Hey Christina, I'll see you after school, ok?" In the voice that normally complains and yells profanities.
"Ok."
Total shock.

How can one kid turn around an entire morning of chaos with a simple hug?
I don't know.
But, really, it made all the difference.

positively giddy.

i cannot stop smiling.
every second.
and everyday...
somehow...
it just keeps getting better.

i had been trying,
forcing, compromising.
for so long.
i just didn't realize...

how things could be.

but now it's here.
and it's hit me.
struck me.
an arrow shot straight,
and true.

this is how it's supposed to be.

painting: "slow dance" by Rabi Kahn

the best thing, baby.

nevermind the fact i have to lead a class discussion on deconstruction in less than 2 hours. and i have yet to read the material.

ray lamontagne is rocking my world.

listen. love it.

the best thing, baby.

spring break.

parker, south dakota.
still looks similar to this photograph.

sleeping in, cinnamon rolls, fresh coffee.
strawberries, good books, naps.
brisk runs, conversation, tomato soup.

I've been in Parker for the past few days. Enjoying the final portion of Spring Break. While the majority of my friends are in exotic locales, I'm here in the Midwest, soaking up the 34 degree weather. But, I've decided I do not need a resort nor an ocean to feel completely content. Staying with my aunt, letting time slowly pass, cozied up on the couch in pajamas until noon, I can't complain.

Agenda for today:
read.
leftover tomato soup and homemade bread for lunch.
nap.
sioux falls? maybe.
journal.
read.
supper - more home-cooked goodness.
"australia".
sleep.


"life's a little bigger in a small town"

revision.

i would like to revoke my previous statement of:
"until it comes about and it's always sort of anticlimactic."
concerning hope in yesterday's post.

i lied.
the awaited event is not ALWAYS anticlimactic.
sometimes.
rarely.
beautifully.
it will take you by surprise and wonderfully exceed all expectations.

anticipation.

i've been waiting...
and it's nearly killing me.
but only in a spectacular sort of way.
i love the waiting.
as agonizing and treacherous as it is.

before something actually comes about...
and you're only looking forward to it...
dreaming of how wonderful it will be...
absolutely nothing can taint the hope.

until it comes about and it's always sort of anticlimactic.
but the waiting...
the sweet agonizing hope of things to come...
is just divine.

new shoes.

At the risk of sounding incredibly conceited... this is a post devoted to my new shoes. Now, I haven't bought new shoes in honestly, an entire year. A year. As a member of the female species, that's just sick. But I have a date Wednesday night, and decided to splurge a little of my tax refund and get some new shoes. I found them at Payless for only $10 and got so much more than I bargained for.
After I got home, I proceeded to dance around the place in my plaid pajama shorts and heels, just for fun, you know, break them in. I checked myself out in the mirror and "woah, momma, look at those calves!" I've been running quite a bit over the past year and with my lack of shoe shopping... I guess I forgot to look at my legs. I have never felt comfortable with my body image, but those little heels brought an instant boost in my self-esteem, helping me see something to love about myself. Thank you, shoes. A little splurge, and a lot of hard work to get calves that bulge in the right spots...and a surprising boost in self-esteem.

surprise.

No, I'm not pregnant. I feel like that is what people normally say after, "surprise". Either that or happy birthday. Neither of which apply.

But, I was reading "The Mermaid Chair", by Sue Monk Kidd, last night. The prologue tells the story of a restless 42 year old woman, realizing she has never astonished herself, never experienced the euphoria of a surprise of the strength or her own character. I have grasped a tiny measure of the despair of not knowing what I am capable of, of what I should have done, what I should strive to do.

This week, the bottom completely fell out of my "plan". I had been so confident that I was where I was supposed to be, doing what I was supposed to be doing. I was in my groove. Strong, independent, driven. In an attempt to get organized and ensure everything was going to work according to plan, I realized nothing will. No part of what I had been striving to accomplish will be completed as I had hoped.

I need to step back. I need to reevaluate, reconsider everything about what I had dreamed to be true for my life. Is my original plan worth the extraordinary input of time and money, or do I need to completely change my plan, my dream, my desires?

I realize this post is void of any concrete detail. It's intentional. Perhaps I'm not the only one reconsidering, reevaluating. Perhaps a lack of detail will translate easier into the details of a different life.

I have not lost hope. I know that I know that all things will work together for a purpose that is good and perfect. A plan that is beyond what I had imagined for myself. But, oh how easy it is to despair in the dark confusion of a decision, overwhelmed by my limited perspective.

For today, still lost in my own thoughts, my own indecision, I must concentrate on what I know:
"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." - 2 Corinthians 12: 9-10

the things i love as of late.

i have been nearly overcome by my new found/recycled adoration for just a few trinkets lately. they are as follows:

a strong cup of black coffee first thing in the morning.
movies set in new york city (when harry met sally, you've got mail, etc).
cheerios.
blue sky.
honey & cinnamon.
swinging. as in on a swing set. outside. really high.
pearl earrings.

------------------
that is all for today. just thought i would share with you.

monday.

Last Monday, I started out the day pretty much the same as today. But by the end of the day I was nearly dead in my bed. Today, we're doin' things differently. I woke up a little slower. I took my time. I ate some cereal. I prayed.
I know I can't do this week on my own.
I'm tired.
I'm ready for a break.
So, I'm asking for some strength. And some wisdom. And discerning.
To know when to push myself. And when to relax.
To find the time for the important things.
And let some things slide.
Alright Monday, let's do this thing.

little glitter.

i thought i would take advantage of the semi-schizophrenic state of my mind (thanks in part to the flu, cold meds and the fact i haven't been outside in several days) and transcribe the fleeting thoughts flitting across my sick little brain.
last night i was in bed and was amazed to see a small speck of light, a little glitter. i wondered what it could be and then brilliantly assumed it was a wish fairy. so i thought about all the things i would wish for if the little glitter wish fairy would just fly over to my bed and ask me. (unfortunately, she never did).
1. wheat toast with butter.
2. world peace.
3. a wish fairy for everyone nice.
4. enough hours free from headache to finish all of my homework.
5. a tele-transporter device to ship me home tomorrow so i don't actually have to drive and it will only take 2 seconds and 0 gallons of gas.
6. for her to stay and be my friend so i don't get lonely ever.
7. for all the styrofoam on planet earth to disappear.
8. i think that's all i can remember right now.
after i was done making wishes... i thought about some other things.
when i was very small i remember driving into minneapolis at night and thinking it was the most beautiful thing i had ever seen in my entire life. the buildings were so sparkly and yellow-soft.
summer stars.
clean rooms.
italian restaurants with candle light and loads of pasta and bread. and love at all the tables.
a giant glass of diet 7up at my grandma's house.
coming downstairs after a winter nap and my mom was making supper and you could smell the goodness and hear the sizzle-crack all throughout the whole house. and you knew there would be grand biscuits.
christmas lights.

the flu.

So, Monday I came down with the flu. I've been in bed for most of the past 2 days. I've been living off animal crackers and tea - the only things I haven't regurgitated. Today I had a special delivery of some medicine from Health Services. I took some... fell asleep... and woke up with a wicked nasty fever. And my head was really hot. Naturally, I cut off my hair - as most people doped up on cold medicine are likely to do. It's not that bad, I don't think. But I'm the only one who's seen it so far...

brandon.

now, i don't mean to brag. ok. maybe i do.
this is brandon heath.
he is singing "sunrise".
which might be my favorite song in the entire world.
and yeah... that's an empty arena.
just me. my best friend. and brandon heath.

"You wanna sound off but you can't find the words to
Nothin’ makes sense in the way that it used to
Can't find the plus in the positive thinking
The well's run dry and you're not done drinking

Clouds start comin’ and the sky will fall
Clock stares back from the bedroom wall
Now you’re breathin’ just to make it through the night

All you need is a sunrise
Just a moment of dawn
If you're lost in the twilight
Close your eyes and move on
When you're tired in the waiting
Even though it's gonna take you
A little more time
Just a little more time the sun's gonna find you

Holding your days like a stack of paper
Then you're chasing the wind as the pages scatter
You can save a few but you can't get ‘em all back
So get out fast with your heart in tact

Find yourself on the very edge
Lying awake in an empty bed
Now you’re breathin’ just to make it thru the night."

love.